Washington, DC. In a startling display of bipartisan politics, the U.S. Congress has awarded a $700 billion bailout package to local pipefitter, John Saintwurth. Heeding calls from both the "Bail Out The People" movement and cries from big business, Congress consolidated their economic stimulus packages into a windfall for a single U.S. family. "I don't know what to make of it," said Saintwurth who scratched his head in disbelief at the news. "I know little Jessica needs a new pair of shoes and now they're saying I can buy a shoe factory. And someone suggested buying a whole cattle ranch since Loraine was going to go get some dog food for Diggly." Wife Loraine Saintwurth was equally perplexed, "John has a good job and I'm still picking up a few hours at the cafeteria but I guess they people in Washington know what's best." With the fate of the entire free market resting squarely on their shoulders, at press time the Saintwurth family was divided between going on vacation to Las Vegas for 300 years or buying the state of Rhode Island. The rest of the country responded with a unanimous, "Fuck it!"
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