Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Rocker Diagnosed With Bad Case Of Loving You

Los Angeles, WI. The musical community was shocked to hear that local rocker Kevin Angstrom has been diagnosed with a potentially fatal case of loving local metal chick DeDe LaFountain. Lead singer Angstrom publicly announced his intention to love LaFountain "all night long" during a rendition of "Night Lover" at a recent Leaden Pole concert in downtown Los Angeles. While medical records have not been produced to confirm his critical condition, Angstrom insists he is living with a case of love in the first degree every time LaFountain crosses the room. Other symptoms include "a burning deep down inside", an "itchy itchy feeling" and potentially fatal levels of passion. LaFountain was unaware of Angstrom's condition as of press time but was seen expressing an interest in Leaden Pole's bass player, the healthy yet alcoholic Guy Harrington. Despite a rigorous program of self-medication including cocaine, Jack Daniels and Ibuprofen, Angstrom remains convinced the cure lies within LaFountain's "tight white leather pants at night". When a visibly ill Angstrom vomited on the stage of the LA Rock Palace, soundman Dave Kent reportedly responded with a cold, uncaring, "Fuck it."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Congress gets totally high, decides everything's cool

Washington, DC, WI. In a startling reversal of partisan politics, the U.S. Congress got super high during Thursday's closed door session and decided that everything is totally cool. Kentucky Senator Dave Bater (R) started the session by playing a djembe on the Senate floor, which prompted Delaware Senator Argyle Nassworth (D) to break out his sweet stash of Afguey Kush which he'd recently purchased from Senate Page Rob West. When Florida's Acton Trammle (I) got a whiff of that sweet, pungent aroma, he broke out his 3 foot glass water pipe and informed Nassworth that "there's a hole in the bowl, won't you plug it with a nugget?" As nearby Senators began to chortle and guffaw, it became clear that a full-on Senate smoke-out was about to commence. By the time the bong made it's way around to Clarice Wentworth (R, NH), long-standing feuds were forgotten and Senators were giggling and playfully swatting at each other. House Bill 315R.21 which was set to allocate funds for low-income housing across the nation, was left undecided while Shepley Horner (D, WI) put a Grateful Dead cassette in the Senate soundsystem and began taking a vote on what kind of pizza to buy with taxpayer money. By mid-afternoon, the rotunda was thick with dope smoke and all the senators present agreed that everything from universal health care to the war in the Middle East, was totally cool. At press time, the bowl was getting near cashiered and Iowa Republican Arth Hector passed a motion saying, "Fuck it."