Thursday, March 25, 2010

SXSW Enters Ninth Grueling Week

Austin, WI. South By Southwest, the annual music festival held in Austin, has recently been expanded from 4 days to ten grueling weeks. "We knew we had a viable brand and we sought to corner the market, but, my God, what have we done?" asked the visibly exhausted festival chairman Jace McKraaken. Citing the large number of available venues and seemingly limitless number of young bands, SXSW has grown into an unstoppable entertainment juggernaut. At previous SXSW conferences, an average of 300 bands played per day for four days, the new, expanded schedule allows for over 22,000 musical groups to play such hallowed stages as Curly's Rib Joint, The Famous Austin Chicken Shack and the Blender Bar. "The added influx of new talent has been amazing," declared a delirious Fred Nurdson, head writer for the popular Indiewhatever blog, "Jesus, I'm seeing bands I didn't even know existed- I haven't seen my wife since February!" Given the expanded number of showcases, promoters have scrambled to fill every slot. Says McKraaken, "We've booked high school jazz bands, I bought a guitar for this one kid and put him up on stage, we even reformed the Benjamins, my funk group from high school for a 1 am headlining slot at the Magic Eel." Gulping coffee by the pint, McKraaken left for Fourth Street where, "This amazing group of homeless guys are headlining at Emos- you gotta check em out!" Meanwhile, Tim McPhereson, lead songwriter of the Miracle Mile Men surveyed an empty amphitheatre which he and his band-mates had driven over 400 miles to play. "Our next song is called...." he muttered into the microphone, "Fuck it."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Apple Introduces iTalkpad

Silicon Valley, WI. Hot on the heels of the introduction of the soon-to-be-outdated iPad, Apple Computer Corp. has unveiled their latest creation: the iTalkpad. This laptop-sized computer offers all the features of the original iPad with the modern convenience of the iPhone, making it the most humongous and versatile portable communication device on the planet. A discrete mouthpiece is located at the far end of the touchscreen while the earpiece is located at the opposite end. When asked about the commercial viability of a 12 pound, 22" cell-phone, Apple owner Steven Jobs stated, "Our market research has found if it has our logo on it, people will shell out the bucks." Almost on cue, Apple enthusiast Mark Cragmoor of Nashua, WI threw away his unopened iPad box and got back in the car to drive to the Apple store at the Nashua Boardwalk Mall. When he saw the iTalkpad wouldn't be commercially available until next week, he went to the Orange Julius stand and when he finished his drink said, "Fuck it."

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hotel Celebrates 10 Days Without Armed Standoff

New Brunswick, WI. Fred and Cindy Robbiespierre celebrated ten consecutive days of peace at their Riviera Motor Lodge on the outskirts of New Brunswick. The Riviera has been known by local law enforcement officers as a hotbed of prostitution, drug use and domestic violence. "It's been a great week- almost two weeks!" stated Fred as he and Cindy cautiously looked out the window. Just eleven days ago, local drifter Caleb Hardworth was holed up in room 121 taking potshots at police officers after seven days of drug-induced sleep deprivation. Two days prior to that, Tex Merrimac, a psychotic short-term resident was yelling his demands at the Robbiespierres while his hostages squirmed in the closet. Police reports indicate the Riviera has hosted an armed standoff almost weekly since 2001 with a staggering twelve incidents of armed violence in a single week in 2006. While few explanations have been given, it is assumed that the location of the Riviera situated between a liquor store, a Grocery Outlet and the railroad yard makes it a prime spot for mentally unstable drifters. The Robbiespierres nervously sipped champagne and ate a small slice of chocolate cake unaware that Terry Donaldson in room 221 was cleaning a shotgun while the voices in his head repeatedly said "Fuck it."

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Rocker Diagnosed With Bad Case Of Loving You

Los Angeles, WI. The musical community was shocked to hear that local rocker Kevin Angstrom has been diagnosed with a potentially fatal case of loving local metal chick DeDe LaFountain. Lead singer Angstrom publicly announced his intention to love LaFountain "all night long" during a rendition of "Night Lover" at a recent Leaden Pole concert in downtown Los Angeles. While medical records have not been produced to confirm his critical condition, Angstrom insists he is living with a case of love in the first degree every time LaFountain crosses the room. Other symptoms include "a burning deep down inside", an "itchy itchy feeling" and potentially fatal levels of passion. LaFountain was unaware of Angstrom's condition as of press time but was seen expressing an interest in Leaden Pole's bass player, the healthy yet alcoholic Guy Harrington. Despite a rigorous program of self-medication including cocaine, Jack Daniels and Ibuprofen, Angstrom remains convinced the cure lies within LaFountain's "tight white leather pants at night". When a visibly ill Angstrom vomited on the stage of the LA Rock Palace, soundman Dave Kent reportedly responded with a cold, uncaring, "Fuck it."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Congress gets totally high, decides everything's cool

Washington, DC, WI. In a startling reversal of partisan politics, the U.S. Congress got super high during Thursday's closed door session and decided that everything is totally cool. Kentucky Senator Dave Bater (R) started the session by playing a djembe on the Senate floor, which prompted Delaware Senator Argyle Nassworth (D) to break out his sweet stash of Afguey Kush which he'd recently purchased from Senate Page Rob West. When Florida's Acton Trammle (I) got a whiff of that sweet, pungent aroma, he broke out his 3 foot glass water pipe and informed Nassworth that "there's a hole in the bowl, won't you plug it with a nugget?" As nearby Senators began to chortle and guffaw, it became clear that a full-on Senate smoke-out was about to commence. By the time the bong made it's way around to Clarice Wentworth (R, NH), long-standing feuds were forgotten and Senators were giggling and playfully swatting at each other. House Bill 315R.21 which was set to allocate funds for low-income housing across the nation, was left undecided while Shepley Horner (D, WI) put a Grateful Dead cassette in the Senate soundsystem and began taking a vote on what kind of pizza to buy with taxpayer money. By mid-afternoon, the rotunda was thick with dope smoke and all the senators present agreed that everything from universal health care to the war in the Middle East, was totally cool. At press time, the bowl was getting near cashiered and Iowa Republican Arth Hector passed a motion saying, "Fuck it."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

New Age Musician Sick Of That Fucking Windchime.

Sedona, WI. International recording star and professional sound healer Bree Weatherspoon announced to himself today that he is sick of that fucking windchime. Feeling the pressures of time constraints placed on him by record label Healing Journeys and generally frustrated with the direction of his relationship with girlfriend Sanjaya Nanabeam, Weatherspoon pulled on his own hair at his mixing desk and adamantly stated his frustration with the sampled windchime he was overdubbing onto the track "Journey To Ananda." "It just doesn't sound right," he stated "It's supposed to be promoting healing and help the track to enter the transformation stage but instead it just sounds like shit and this fucking thing is really starting to piss me off." While drinking his fourth cup of coffee, Weatherspoon attempted to pitch-correct the sample and inadvertently crashed ProTools on his computer. "If this motherfucker didn't save my backups there's going to be some fucking healing going on when I smash it with a baseball bat." Despite knowing numerous self-help strategies to calm down in situations like this one, Weatherspoon continued to rage at his computer while displacing his fury about an email he received from his ex-wife earlier that morning, stating "I'm about to journey to the god-damned gun store if this piece of shit doesn't shape up." Weatherspoon's chakras responded to questions with an unanimous, "Fuck it."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Betty Crocker Introduces Hangover Helper

Detroit, WI. Multinational food conglomerate Betty Crocker Inc. has announced a bold plan to move into college markets with an updated version of the popular Hamburger Helper meat snack called Hangover Helper. "We saw the niche in the market and we went for it," stated spokesman Mark Finger. The traditional Hamburger Helper recipe was updated with stimulants like Taurine and caffeine while a generous helping of B vitamins and asprin was included to soothe headaches and stomachaches. "College students, binge drinkers and alcoholic stay-at-home moms can all enjoy the same great taste with an extra helping of antacid to reduce the damage done by drinking a whole bottle of vodka," said Finger, himself a relapsed alcoholic. College students across the country have purchased whole cases, as have impressionable youngsters who were lead to believe the powdered meat topping included alcohol. Second year pre-med student Jason Azbergre reportedly rose from his couch with a splitting headache while still wearing a toga from the previous night's party and swatted a box of Hangover Helper off his kitchen counter while reaching for a piece of bread and muttered, "Fuck it."

hangover helper