tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65590583935375198182024-03-08T02:49:04.035-08:00fake blog- now with a picture!Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-36447123266714442902010-03-25T10:52:00.000-07:002010-03-30T11:23:09.530-07:00SXSW Enters Ninth Grueling Week<script type="text/javascript"><br />var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www.");<br />document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E"));<br /></script><br /><script type="text/javascript"><br />try {<br />var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-9333269-2");<br />pageTracker._trackPageview();<br />} catch(err) {}</script><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/4462223097/" title="sxsw9 by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4014/4462223097_008cc47321_o.jpg" alt="sxsw9" height="274" width="420" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Austin, WI. South By Southwest, the annual music festival held in Austin, has recently been expanded from 4 days to ten grueling weeks. "We knew we had a viable brand and we sought to corner the market, but, my God, what have we done?" asked the visibly exhausted festival chairman Jace McKraaken. Citing the large number of available venues and seemingly limitless number of young bands, SXSW has grown into an unstoppable entertainment juggernaut. At previous SXSW conferences, an average of 300 bands played per day for four days, the new, expanded schedule allows for over 22,000 musical groups to play such hallowed stages as Curly's Rib Joint, The Famous Austin Chicken Shack and the Blender Bar. "The added influx of new talent has been amazing," declared a delirious Fred Nurdson, head writer for the popular Indiewhatever blog, "Jesus, I'm seeing bands I didn't even know existed- I haven't seen my wife since February!" Given the expanded number of showcases, promoters have scrambled to fill every slot. Says McKraaken, "We've booked high school jazz bands, I bought a guitar for this one kid and put him up on stage, we even reformed the Benjamins, my funk group from high school for a 1 am headlining slot at the Magic Eel." Gulping coffee by the pint, McKraaken left for Fourth Street where, "This amazing group of homeless guys are headlining at Emos- you gotta check em out!" Meanwhile, Tim McPhereson, lead songwriter of the Miracle Mile Men surveyed an empty amphitheatre which he and his band-mates had driven over 400 miles to play. "Our next song is called...." he muttered into the microphone, "Fuck it." </span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-42143824957504190532010-03-09T14:30:00.000-08:002010-03-09T14:44:29.070-08:00Apple Introduces iTalkpad<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/4421129344/" title="ipad_talk by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2773/4421129344_496e1b0b31_o.jpg" alt="ipad_talk" height="305" width="420" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Silicon Valley, WI. Hot on the heels of the introduction of the soon-to-be-outdated iPad, Apple Computer Corp. has unveiled their latest creation: the iTalkpad. This laptop-sized computer offers all the features of the original iPad with the modern convenience of the iPhone, making it the most humongous and versatile portable communication device on the planet. A discrete mouthpiece is located at the far end of the touchscreen while the earpiece is located at the opposite end. When asked about the commercial viability of a 12 pound, 22" cell-phone, Apple owner Steven Jobs stated, "Our market research has found if it has our logo on it, people will shell out the bucks." Almost on cue, Apple enthusiast Mark Cragmoor of Nashua, WI threw away his unopened iPad box and got back in the car to drive to the Apple store at the Nashua Boardwalk Mall. When he saw the iTalkpad wouldn't be commercially available until next week, he went to the Orange Julius stand and when he finished his drink said, "Fuck it."</span> </span></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-6114876825669731712010-01-21T14:16:00.000-08:002010-01-21T14:37:55.192-08:00Hotel Celebrates 10 Days Without Armed Standoff<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/4293381891/" title="motel by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4014/4293381891_e56eacb36f_o.jpg" alt="motel" height="293" width="400" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">New Brunswick, WI. Fred and Cindy Robbiespierre celebrated ten consecutive days of peace at their Riviera Motor Lodge on the outskirts of New Brunswick. The Riviera has been known by local law enforcement officers as a hotbed of prostitution, drug use and domestic violence. "It's been a great week- almost two weeks!" stated Fred as he and Cindy cautiously looked out the window. </span><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:130%;">Just eleven days ago, local drifter Caleb Hardworth was holed up in room 121 taking potshots at police officers after seven days of drug-induced sleep deprivation. Two days prior to that, Tex Merrimac, a psychotic short-term resident was yelling his demands at the Robbiespierres while his hostages squirmed in the closet. Police reports indicate the Riviera has hosted an armed standoff almost weekly since 2001 with a staggering twelve incidents of armed violence in a single week in 2006. While few explanations have been given, it is assumed that the location of the Riviera situated between a liquor store, a Grocery Outlet and the railroad yard makes it a prime spot for mentally unstable drifters. The Robbiespierres nervously sipped champagne and ate a small slice of chocolate cake unaware that Terry Donaldson in room 221 was cleaning a shotgun while the voices in his head repeatedly said "Fuck it."</span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-17359858410768683572009-12-29T14:26:00.000-08:002009-12-29T14:50:35.156-08:00Rocker Diagnosed With Bad Case Of Loving You<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/4225975579/" title="mikejackdaniels_400 by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2435/4225975579_8c2038d46f_o.jpg" alt="mikejackdaniels_400" height="284" width="400" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Los Angeles, WI. The musical community was shocked to hear that local rocker Kevin Angstrom has been diagnosed with a potentially fatal case of loving local metal chick DeDe LaFountain. Lead singer Angstrom publicly announced his intention to love LaFountain "all night long" during a rendition of "Night Lover" at a recent Leaden Pole concert in downtown Los Angeles. While medical records have not been produced to confirm his critical condition, Angstrom insists he is living with a case of love in the first degree every time LaFountain crosses the room. Other symptoms include "a burning deep down inside", an "itchy itchy feeling" and potentially fatal levels of passion. LaFountain was unaware of Angstrom's condition as of press time but was seen expressing an interest in Leaden Pole's bass player, the healthy yet alcoholic Guy Harrington. Despite a rigorous program of self-medication including cocaine, Jack Daniels and Ibuprofen, Angstrom remains convinced the cure lies within LaFountain's "tight white leather pants at night". When a visibly ill Angstrom vomited on the stage of the LA Rock Palace, soundman Dave Kent reportedly responded with a cold, uncaring, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-42350556153120630912009-12-17T12:51:00.001-08:002009-12-17T13:21:39.071-08:00Congress gets totally high, decides everything's cool<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/4192910647/" title="cong_doob by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2726/4192910647_d2bb60b2f3_o.jpg" alt="cong_doob" height="298" width="420" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:arial;">Washington, DC, WI. In a startling reversal of partisan politics, the U.S. Congress got super high during Thursday's closed door session and decided that everything is totally cool. Kentucky Senator Dave Bater (R) started the session by playing a djembe on the Senate floor, which prompted Delaware Senator Argyle Nassworth (D) to break out his sweet stash of Afguey Kush </span><span style="font-family:arial;">which he'd recently purchased from Senate Page Rob West. When Florida's Acton </span><span style="font-family:arial;">Trammle (I) got a whiff of that sweet, pungent aroma, he broke out his 3 foot glass water pipe and informed Nassworth that "there's a hole in the bowl, won't you plug it with a nugget?" As nearby Senators began to chortle and guffaw, it became clear that a full-on Senate smoke-out was about to commence. By the time the bong made it's way around to Clarice Wentworth (R, NH), long-standing feuds were forgotten and Senators were giggling and playfully swatting at each other. House Bill 315R.21 which was set to allocate funds for low-income housing across the nation, was left undecided while Shepley Horner (D, WI) put a Grateful Dead cassette in the Senate soundsystem </span><span style="font-family:arial;"> and began taking a vote on what kind of pizza to buy with taxpayer money. By mid-afternoon, the rotunda was thick with dope smoke and all the senators present agreed that everything from universal health care to the war in the Middle East, was totally cool. At press time, the bowl was getting near cashiered and Iowa Republican </span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Arth Hector passed a motion saying, "Fuck it." </span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-75346579496848224452009-10-15T10:57:00.000-07:002009-10-15T11:15:19.178-07:00New Age Musician Sick Of That Fucking Windchime.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/4014094343/" title="wow by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2613/4014094343_4a7ac737f2_m.jpg" alt="wow" height="240" width="240" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Sedona, WI. International recording star and professional sound healer Bree Weatherspoon announced to himself today that he is sick of that fucking windchime. Feeling the pressures of time constraints placed on him by record label Healing Journeys and generally frustrated with the direction of his relationship with girlfriend Sanjaya Nanabeam, Weatherspoon pulled on his own hair at his mixing desk and adamantly stated his frustration with the sampled windchime he was overdubbing onto the track "Journey To Ananda." "It just doesn't sound right," he stated "It's supposed to be promoting healing and help the track to enter the transformation stage but instead it just sounds like shit and this fucking thing is really starting to piss me off." While drinking his fourth cup of coffee, Weatherspoon attempted to pitch-correct the sample and inadvertently crashed ProTools on his computer. "If this motherfucker didn't save my backups there's going to be some fucking healing going on when I smash it with a baseball bat." Despite knowing numerous self-help strategies to calm down in situations like this one, Weatherspoon continued to rage at his computer while displacing his fury about an email he received from his ex-wife earlier that morning, stating "I'm about to journey to the god-damned gun store if this piece of shit doesn't shape up." Weatherspoon's chakras responded to questions with an unanimous, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-26474907452734123542009-10-13T13:47:00.000-07:002009-10-13T14:02:52.511-07:00Betty Crocker Introduces Hangover Helper<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/4008878375/" title="helpster_2 by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2674/4008878375_9ed901bece_o.jpg" alt="helpster_2" height="625" width="400" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Detroit, WI. Multinational food conglomerate Betty Crocker Inc. has announced a bold plan to move into college markets with an updated version of the popular Hamburger Helper meat snack called Hangover Helper. "We saw the niche in the market and we went for it," stated spokesman Mark Finger. The traditional Hamburger Helper recipe was updated with stimulants like Taurine and caffeine while a generous helping of B vitamins and asprin was included to soothe headaches and stomachaches. "College students, binge drinkers and alcoholic stay-at-home moms can all enjoy the same great taste with an extra helping of antacid to reduce the damage done by drinking a whole bottle of vodka," said Finger, himself a relapsed alcoholic. College students across the country have purchased whole cases, as have impressionable youngsters who were lead to believe the powdered meat topping included alcohol. Second year pre-med student Jason Azbergre reportedly rose from his couch with a splitting headache while still wearing a toga from the previous night's party and swatted a box of Hangover Helper off his kitchen counter while reaching for a piece of bread and muttered, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/4008878321/" title="hangover helper by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3495/4008878321_e4d5854d0b_o.jpg" alt="hangover helper" height="442" width="400" /></a>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-70070118531497935152009-09-11T10:37:00.001-07:002009-09-11T10:51:22.983-07:00Work Marginally Tolerable.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3909488253/" title="Work Marginally Tolerable by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2489/3909488253_ae1722d318_m.jpg" alt="Work Marginally Tolerable" height="180" width="240" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Staten Island, WI. Office desk drone Cliff Thompson was surprised and cautiously relaxed for the first time in three years as he realized that his morning at work has been marginally tolerable. "Usually by 10 I'm seeing red and ready to chop someone's head off with a paper cutter but today has almost been kind of okay" stated a wary Thompson who has spent the last three years filing reports for the Ogfad Insurance corporation. "Really, for the first time in years I'm not suppressing a panic attack and wanting to bolt out the door." Possible explanations for Thompson's guarded optimism include the shortened work-week as a result of the President's Day holiday, an impending payday and the fact that Carol Lichfeld, that bitch from HR took the week off. Possible other causes for Thompson's levity include tickets to an upcoming AAA baseball game, Green Day on Saturday Night Live this weekend and a hand-job Thompson received the previous evening from his long-time girlfriend Amanda Worthstein. Skeptics including Thompson's cubicle-mate Jerry Antwerp are predicting Thompson will be suppressing his murderous rage again by noon when the 5235 policy report will land on his desk. Managing supervisor Jim Clavinova surreptitiously peered through the mini-blinds of his office and when he noticed a faint smile on Thompson's face, muttered, "Fuck it." </span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-30090260266218364842009-08-18T10:36:00.000-07:002009-08-18T10:55:14.038-07:00Free Folk Group Exhibits Traits of Dysfunctional Family.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3833587717/" title="folk by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2480/3833587717_b133f37c3d_m.jpg" alt="folk" height="140" width="240" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Nevada City, WI. Wooded Strings, a leading group in the modern folk renaissance have ceased to be a collaborative effort and are currently operating as a tight-fisted monarchy. Group leader Ky McHenderson insists the group is still friendly, "We're a family. I just want to make music with my family of friends and whichever wayfaring strangers happen to venture down my path." McHenderson's girlfriend and ukulele player for Wooded Strings, Opal Moonblood, sees things differently, "Ky has been an insufferable asshole ever since we got that story about us in Magnet. Now it's his way or the highway, God he reminds me of my dad when he drinks." Accordionist Eagle Bearriver concurred, "All Ky ever talks about is how this band is a family but he won't even let us play on the recordings anymore. Opal is no better, always running around saying everything is fine while he's fucking that girl from Brooklyn." Trumpet player Energy Dave has kept his opinions private, echoing the withdrawn tendencies of younger children in abused homes. Rice Appleton, booking agent for the upcoming Family Magic Music Dreams festival which Wooded Strings are set to headline, popped a cassette of Black Sabbath 4 into his office boombox and muttered, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-58869884581980018332009-08-04T12:10:00.000-07:002009-08-04T12:30:11.740-07:00Economy Cuts Top 10 To 5.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3789021063/" title="top5 by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2550/3789021063_13329e6eae_o.jpg" alt="top5" height="378" width="420" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">USA, WI. In a bold move intended to tighten the belts of Americans hit hard by the economic recession, it has been announced that all top ten lists will now be shortened to top five. Comedians, music nerds and sports fanatics have all begrudgingly accepted that the national economy can no longer afford a full load of ten favorite things. "I've relied on a top ten for years," stated general geek Howard Robeson, "I can name my ten favorite cartoon characters, ten favorite breakfast cereals and ten best lines from Kramer on 'Seinfeld' but I guess it's time to thin the herd." A contingent of video store owners has embarked on a envoy to Washington seeking a repeal but until the economy picks up, America will have to be satisfied with only half of it's favorite things. There is still no word on what will happen if someone constructs two top five lists of the same subject but Harold Jepster, lead joke writer for David Letterman's Tonight Show was quoted as saying, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-37365181521966385362009-07-16T09:35:00.000-07:002009-07-16T09:47:38.041-07:00Global Warming Threatens Snow Globes.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3727182000/" title="yeah! by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2524/3727182000_f0f2f2cb77_o.gif" alt="yeah!" height="228" width="268" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Washington D.C., WI. A sobering new study from the conservative think tank Globewatchers has announced that rising global temperatures are threatening to destroy the world's collection of snow globes. "As the polar ice caps melt, we've seen a drastic reduction in iridescent glitter in snow globes around the world," stated junior executive researcher Chas Hanson. "Furthermore, we've noted sharp declines in plastic alligators, mini landmarks and that white plastic snow that looks like salt, all essential ingredients in healthy snow dome environments." Citizens visiting amusement parks around the world have been both shocked and outraged. "Some one needs to do something about it," stated irate Busch Gardens visitor Kimberly Cranlock, "My kids want to shake something and see all the stuff- and now they can't, because of the politicians." Cranlock punctuated her tirade by slapping her eldest child, Billy, when he reached for a lollipop. Hanson concurs, "If the government doesn't do something about this soon, we could be looking at an irreversible decline in both the quality and number of snow globes available to future generations. In a subterranean bunker miles below the surface of Virginia, former vice president Al Gore shook a half-full snow dome depicting the White House and muttered, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-60381224728538177512009-06-18T13:54:00.001-07:002009-06-18T14:12:21.706-07:00Economy Forces Insane Clown Posse To Play Birthday Party<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3639702794/" title="economy forces Insane Clown Posse to play birthday party. by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2477/3639702794_d4bc364b6c.jpg" width="422" height="432" alt="economy forces Insane Clown Posse to play birthday party." /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Ann Arbor, WI. Faltering record sales, high gas prices and imminent home foreclosure have forced Detroit-based rappers the insane Clown Posse to play local birthday parties. While loading a PA and a 12 pack of Faygo soda into a suburban house, ICP leader Violent J stated, "We knew times was tough but when Shaggy's house got foreclosed, that really made us rethink what we do." Despite a burgeoning underground rap reputation, popular backyard wrestling videos, Penthouse magazine tie-ins and a national following of "Juggaloes," the Posse began to look for work closer to home. "I put an ad in the paper," said Shaggy, the other half of the popular duo who's song titles include, "I Want My Shit," "Fuck The World" and "Guts On The Ceiling." "We's looking to diversify" said Violent J as he carefully handed a plate of cupcakes with the Hatchet Man logo to Shaggy, "Today we're doing two birthday parties and we're scheduled for a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow if we can get a ride from Shaggy's mom." While Jimmy Hatcade, the expectant birthday boy was still on his way from from baseball practice, the ICP ran through the songs "Murder Rap" and "Blaam!" for soundcheck before finishing up with "Birthday Bitches" and finally setting up a pinata shaped like Pokemon. Mary Hatcade, Jimmy's mother who booked the ICP busied herself by downing her third vodka gimlet of the morning and looked out the window muttering, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-53627604586271110632009-06-08T13:35:00.001-07:002009-06-08T13:52:16.585-07:00Hipster Stranded in Country Section.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3607905689/" title="hipster stranded in country section by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3335/3607905689_828313a725_m.jpg" alt="hipster stranded in country section" height="169" width="240" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Brooklyn, WI. Local hipster Dan "D-Way" Wayne was mortified to find he had wandered into the Country Music section of the neighborhood Wax Emporium. "I don't know how it happened," a visibly shaken Wayne stated, "I was in there hunting for this Deerhunter test pressing and I guess I got distracted. I didnt even know they had a country section- till now." Fearful that he would be spotted by his peers, Wayne quickly stooped down and pretended to tie the purple shoelaces of his vintage Nike dunks before crawling on all fours in the direction of the Electronica section. However, before he could hide behind the Grizzly Bear marbled vinyl 12"s, Wayne spotted fellow record snob Andrea "Anda Bear" Gurwietz and was forced to to quickly turn around. Mortified by the poorly designed sleeves and blatantly sentimental songwriting, Wayne began to panic and fidgeted with the zipper puller of his Japanese dayglo hoodie. The situation deteriorated when Wayne saw local DJ Anders "Firebird PM" Storrenson in the foreign film DVD section perilously close. "I wish I'd picked up that NEU! original pressing that I was looking at- I could at least cover my face with something other than Charlie Pryde." Wayne's humiliation was complete when he saw his iPhone battery had died and he couldn't text fellow hipster Orville "Ozone" Batters for a bailout. At closing time, Wayne was reportedly hiding in the overstock shelves under the records and store owner Tim Bradford tried to dislodge him with a broom handle before leaving him there, locking up the store and saying, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-10571143755854750122009-06-03T14:01:00.000-07:002009-06-03T14:11:54.397-07:00Water Park Ad Campaign Going Poorly<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3592737091/" title="Look out!! by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3348/3592737091_dbd4dd9f65_m.jpg" alt="Look out!!" height="156" width="240" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">East Lansing, WI. Executives at Tony's Fun & Slide Water Park have been disappointed by the lackluster response to their new ad campaign. "We thought we should go edgy and think outside the box, but boy were we wrong," stated park owner Tony Assmunssen. Entrance numbers have plummeted since Assmunssen hired cutting edge advertising firm The Globe for their latest campaign, despite record high temperatures throughout the East Lansing area. Brooklyn Featherlight, the creative CEO of the Globe Collective had this to say, "We went big, we went bold, we knew Tony wanted results and our unique synergy of style and substance was perfect for this campaign. What's wrong with the people of East Lansing? Got me, I live in NoLiTa." Previous summer campaigns for the beleaguered water park have included a dolphin wearing a thong and last year's portrait of Fred Flintstone riding the waterslides in an innertube made of granite. Inka, the 3,000 pound killer whale who has become the centerpiece of the campaign recently bit the arm off of trainer Don Horstein who, as blood gushed from the hole where his arm used to be, reportedly screamed, "Fuck it." </span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-83227225674085889782009-05-05T11:13:00.001-07:002009-05-05T11:35:40.883-07:00Blog Neglected.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3505255854/" title="smashed Computer by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3622/3505255854_19c232386b_m.jpg" alt="smashed Computer" height="188" width="240" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">New Brunswick Heights, LA. The global community of internet users has expressed doubt and worry over the fact that North American blogger Dave Tansun has been neglecting his blog. While "Me & Bobby McGee-Whiz!" has never been considered a popular blog even by today's micro-trend standards, billions of Internet users are concerned that Tansun isn't blogging to his full capacity. "I just got kind of tired of it," Tansun said in a statement issued from behind the counter at the local Wendy's. "Like, I don't even know if anyone was reading it." Successful, globally connected bloggers begged to differ, "A blog is like a river, it must flow freely" commented Scandesigns.typepad.com owner Olaff Unersonn. Others concurred, "Blogging is rad" stated 12 year old Alexis Bloodstone who's Wigglesreport.net blog about the daily actions of her 4 month old Bassett Hound Wiggles will soon launch an IPO. When pressed for further comment, Tansun said his break is almost over and concluded by mumbling, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-33281528135848576622009-04-08T14:15:00.000-07:002009-04-08T14:35:07.372-07:00Myspace, Facebook Combine For Myface.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3424266403/" title="giant computer by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3388/3424266403_5afb47b289_m.jpg" width="240" height="180" alt="giant computer" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Narberth, PA. Social networking giants Myspace and Facebook will be combining to create Myface. The two, multi-million user websites were reportedly introduced by a third website and began dating almost immediately. Myspace founder Tom says he was immediately smitten by Facebook's clean interface, improved interactivity and penetrating blue eyes. Meanwhile, Facebook left many flirtatious comments on Tom's Myspace page before posting a racy picture of itself in it's underwear on his comments field. Tom responded by inviting Facebook to join him for a game of Gangsters and the two massive social networking sites consummated their attraction after sharing appletinis in a Wisconsin bar. The resulting site, Myface will offer the photo-sharing capabilities of Flickr with the micro-stalking advantages of Twitter. At the time of Beta testing, users will only be allowed to post photos of their own faces in different expressions while their "pores" (a clever play on "peers") will be able to zoom in closer in order to get a better look and tag with comments about imperfections and clear spots. Current software enables viewers to zoom in up to 2000%, providing an unprecedented look at even the tiniest flaws and blemishes. Future upgrades will include the application that allows users to virtually travel up the noses of their friends. The Business Managers Consolidated Association of America, who are in charge of making sure people actually work at their job, posted the following tweet on their Twitter page regarding the recent merger: "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-67105085875767429102009-04-07T10:52:00.000-07:002009-04-07T11:18:39.361-07:00All Music Now Free.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3421917724/" title="winner by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3342/3421917724_2b05891570.jpg" width="341" height="500" alt="winner" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Earth, USA. In a startling move designed to placate fussy youngsters on social networking sites, the RIAA has deemed that all music will now be free of charge. "We saw the writing on the wall, and we knew that the time was right," said RIAA Chairman Del Courty. "Music distributed both online and at traditional, quaint 'brick and mortar' stores is now completely gratis." With the exception of a short altercation at a Lubbock-area Wherehouse Records when the store was over-run by looting customers, the transition has mostly gone unnoticed. In an act of industry solidarity, music-instrument makers are following suit. Gibson Guitar spokesman Jell McLarity had this to say: "In support of the RIAA, Gibson guitars and all other guitar, bass and drum makers are now offering their products for no money down ever. If you can prove that you will, indeed, make music with these instruments, then they will be given to you free of charge." The long-reaching effects of this resolution are expected to trickle down to touring musicians as both Union 76 and Shell Oil have stated if a band is touring or driving to or from a show or practice session, they can fill up their tank for free. There have been rumors that bar owners may follow suit and offer free alcohol to anyone listening to free music as well. Ironically, items used to hear music, like iPods, will remain at full price, as will keyboards. 8 year old Kelly Brunckins responded by looking through a glass display case at a Bratz Magic Keyz keyboard and saying, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-82409325234156617252009-04-03T11:12:00.000-07:002009-04-03T11:41:18.694-07:00Male Posts Photo To Wardrobe Remix.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3409199211/" title="guy by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3413/3409199211_3d9eaeb082_o.jpg" alt="guy" height="325" width="216" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">The Internet, WI. The online fashion community was rocked yesterday when a male human being posted a photograph of himself on the popular Wardrobe Remix website. "I thought I looked pretty good that day and y'know, fashion isn't just for girls," stated the wayward poster, Mr. Dan Frehumph, a sophmore at Delancy College in Westbrook. The popular street fashion site has yet to issue an official statement but many of it's members have expressed confusion and outrage. "LOL, I Heart U!" stated Pinkprincess21 while Whatjanewore posted a scathing, "Meh." Contrary to conventional wisdom, Frehumph is not currently gay and may have been using the site to actually attract women. "I got alot of positive feedback, now I just have to take it to the next level," stated Frehumph. While his combination of tan trousers and a striped t-shirt was hardly groundbreaking, Frehumph received many comments for his outfit, including one from his long-suffering girlfriend, Alison McCarthy who left a comment under the screen-name Alicat stating, "Fuck it."<br /></span></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-31968596341985081532009-04-02T11:33:00.000-07:002009-04-02T11:49:07.042-07:00General Manager Announces Plan for More Parking, More Room in Refrigerator.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3406881409/" title="ceo by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3562/3406881409_dba3edfc16_m.jpg" alt="ceo" height="180" width="240" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">New Lubbock, WI. Jim Breizling, the general manager of the floundering ARC Electronics Corporation announced today at a company-wide meeting that very soon that remaining company employees will be enjoying increased parking spaces and more room in the refrigerator. While many employees of the hopelessly overstaffed enterprise were confused how exactly Breizling would implement these plans, others were skeptical. "We haven't sold any 5890s in two months and half the stuff we are selling is being returned as defective," mused junior engineer Thad Willis. "Half the day everyone's just standing around at their stations waiting for some work to come down the line." Breizling and financial manager Carrie Worthling were evasive about how their goals would be reached. "There may be some changes in each of your departments," Worthling stated, "There may be a few more office supplies to go around and despite no increase in revenue, you may find a little extra coffee in the pot each morning." Employees were guarded but optimistic. "I don't know how they plan on keeping us all here, and now with extra benefits? I'm excited," stated customer service rep Mark Thanguay, who totally missed the point of the meeting. Therese Mendoza, a clerk at the New Lubbock branch of the unemployment office reportedly told her co-workers, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-25246829716123945792009-03-26T12:10:00.000-07:002009-03-26T12:21:25.685-07:00Congress Awards $700 Billion Bailout To Local Pipefitter.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3387466175/" title="winner by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3591/3387466175_09523ace2c_m.jpg" alt="winner" height="159" width="240" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Washington, DC. In a startling display of bipartisan politics, the U.S. Congress has awarded a $700 billion bailout package to local pipefitter, John Saintwurth. Heeding calls from both the "Bail Out The People" movement and cries from big business, Congress consolidated their economic stimulus packages into a windfall for a single U.S. family. "I don't know what to make of it," said Saintwurth who scratched his head in disbelief at the news. "I know little Jessica needs a new pair of shoes and now they're saying I can buy a shoe factory. And someone suggested buying a whole cattle ranch since Loraine was going to go get some dog food for Diggly." Wife Loraine Saintwurth was equally perplexed, "John has a good job and I'm still picking up a few hours at the cafeteria but I guess they people in Washington know what's best." With the fate of the entire free market resting squarely on their shoulders, at press time the Saintwurth family was divided between going on vacation to Las Vegas for 300 years or buying the state of Rhode Island. The rest of the country responded with a unanimous, "Fuck it!"</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-63386629436597402722009-03-25T10:23:00.000-07:002009-03-25T10:47:54.384-07:00House Somehow Hits Tree<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3385643600/" title="House hits tree. by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3420/3385643600_65419d9642_m.jpg" alt="House hits tree." height="181" width="240" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Intsville, WA. Despite total immobility on the part of both objects and no discernible cause, two inanimate objects have collided. The house owned by Janice and Rufus Dickerson has smashed into the 74 year old oak tree approximately 50 feet away. While neither object has physically moved and both remain standing, they recently became entangled to the point of mutual destruction despite the fact that it is against multiple laws of physics. "I don't know what to make of it," stated Rufus, surveying the destruction, "It's like nothing is different but they're right next to each other now." This baffling scene of destruction has local civil engineers scratching their heads in wonder. "Normally, two inanimate objects can't touch each other but here they are, it must be some kind of rip in the space-time continuum," guessed Intsville tree trimmer Gustav Norson. While the steady growth of the tree limbs was originally cited, witnesses stated the tree was still at least 40 feet away from the house last time they checked. "I just heard this awful sound last night," stated Janice, "And I woke up thinking, my god, the house has hit a tree." Chippy McSquirrelson, the bushy tailed owner of a small nest high in the branches of the tree chirped in protest at the offending house squirrel words which translate roughly to, "Fuck it."<br /></span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-77631945507125383272009-03-19T13:34:00.000-07:002009-03-19T14:43:08.393-07:00Sizzler, Sizzla Team Up For Reggae-Themed Steakhouse<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3369051690/" title="sizzla loves cheesy toast by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3460/3369051690_24c12e295a_m.jpg" width="240" height="192" alt="sizzla loves cheesy toast" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Kingston, Jamaica. Behemoth steak chain Sizzler has joined forces with dancehall reggae superstar Sizzla Kalonji to create the world's first reggae steakhouse, the Ital Fruit, Steak and Juice House. "We're thrilled to be joining forces with this energetic young man," said Jerry McCatherty from a press conference high in the Jamaican mountains. While many Rastafarians are vegetarian and the pro-hemp decor may be frowned down upon in many American communities, Kalonji is still supportive. "I & I rasta make the steak an' seafood platter meself, seen?" he stated during the press conference, "Woe to the downpressors of King Sellassie I, rasta bring ital cheesy toast to the Hola Mount Zion that all the children of Jah might overstand the conquering lion of Judah return in triumph over the wicked forces of babylon, sight?" McCatherty nodded and smiled nervously while Kalonji continued to regale the assembled press corp while DJ Killa B began spinning the dub plate of Sizzla's latest single, "Princess Black Steak." The first customers at the new chain, Bill and Marilyn Eschester of Blarettsvile, Indiana were somewhat taken aback by the casual attitude of the waitstaff and Marilyn was concerned about the pungent aroma of ganja smoke emitting from teh kitchen but when the cheesy toast came out they both agreed: "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-79319849301149534902009-03-18T12:30:00.000-07:002009-03-18T14:03:03.391-07:00Local Dorks Upgraded to Cool After Daring Prank<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cosmicyardsale/3366265686/" title="Untitled by cosmic yard sale, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3433/3366265686_4212882465_m.jpg" width="240" height="162" alt="" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Innsmouth, MA. Local dorks Jeff and Lawrence Elgin have recently seen their status rise as the result of a daring prank. Members of the local metal, jock and stoner communities have all stepped forward to voice their tentative re-evaluation of the dork brothers after they vandalized the local Blockbuster video chain. "I never thought those little pricks would do anything cool, but I have to admit that's pretty funny," stated local hesher Bobby McGuinness after spotting the boys handywork. Even high school junior and local weed connection Dan Graves had to concur that it was a ballsy thing to do, "Me and Jake were coming out of the Circle K right when we saw them jump off the roof. We were laughing our asses off." Jake added, "I always thought those two were fuck ups, but this is pretty funny." While the Elgin brothers were unavailable for comment, their sister, Tamara, who has retained her dork status claims she saw them, "Drink like, 20 Red Bulls that night," which may explain the sudden rise in ballsyness in her brothers. Sherdon Madlock, the local Blockbuster franchise owner reportedly gazed at his storefront the following morning and muttered the following statement, "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-83117185306862775762009-03-12T16:46:00.001-07:002009-03-12T16:53:30.853-07:00Worker Out Of Here<span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">New Guinneasborough, NJ. Local copy editor Jay Lance is totally out of here, according to sources. Lance issued a statement approximately 20 minutes before the customary 5 o'clock closing time stating, "Dude, I'm outty" to his cubicle partner, Janet Wastmunt, who is considering ditching out herself. Despite repeated warnings from his supervisor, Lance is hoping to get out early thereby beating the rush at the 19th Hole sportsbar, and procuring a seat near the jukebox where female office workers have been known to congregate. Smoothing back his wavy brown hair, Lance placed his reuseable lunch bag in the pocket of his coat so if he were accosted or detained on his way out the door, he could argue that he wasn't going anywhere and would be back in just a second. As a matter of fact, Lance is hoping to finish this exact blog quicker than normal so he can go get a drink. "Fuck it."</span><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6559058393537519818.post-41020054610656610382009-03-12T16:32:00.000-07:002009-03-12T16:45:07.062-07:00Fucking Piece Of Shit!<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Lake Turbold, IN. Frustrated blogger Charles Atwoodsen has recently suffered a disasterous turn of fate when this fucking piece of shit wouldn't do what it was fucking made to do, thereby fucking up his entire god-damn morning trying to fix it. Atwoodsen, author of the popular Technophilia blog about home computers and their open-source applications recently had to drop everything so this god-damn fucking piece of garbage would turn on and actually do what they say it's supposed to do instead of sitting there like a god-damn $1000 paperweight on his kitchen table. Atwoodsen's long-term girlfriend Jill Kraznerst brought it home around 7 o'clock the previous night and they were too distracted by the movie on tv to try it out until just now. "I though, sure, I'll give it a go," Atwoodsen was reported to have said, "Until I'm up to my fucking knees in spare parts here just trying to get the fucking thing to power up! We thought it would be fun but I'm ready to throw the thing out the fucking window right now." Atwoodsen was too embarrassed to call his father, a professional mechanic, for advice on how to engage said piece-of-shit. Atwoodsen continued: "All I know is if Jill can't get this thing working I'm going to fucking kill somebody with it because god-damn it was expensive!" Janet Freiluv, the tattooed, pierced saleswoman at Couples Love Boutique who had helped Kraznerst the previous day released a statement earlier today saying, "Fuck it."</span><br /><br /></span>Sugatrollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10263829347622024597noreply@blogger.com0