Thursday, March 25, 2010

SXSW Enters Ninth Grueling Week

Austin, WI. South By Southwest, the annual music festival held in Austin, has recently been expanded from 4 days to ten grueling weeks. "We knew we had a viable brand and we sought to corner the market, but, my God, what have we done?" asked the visibly exhausted festival chairman Jace McKraaken. Citing the large number of available venues and seemingly limitless number of young bands, SXSW has grown into an unstoppable entertainment juggernaut. At previous SXSW conferences, an average of 300 bands played per day for four days, the new, expanded schedule allows for over 22,000 musical groups to play such hallowed stages as Curly's Rib Joint, The Famous Austin Chicken Shack and the Blender Bar. "The added influx of new talent has been amazing," declared a delirious Fred Nurdson, head writer for the popular Indiewhatever blog, "Jesus, I'm seeing bands I didn't even know existed- I haven't seen my wife since February!" Given the expanded number of showcases, promoters have scrambled to fill every slot. Says McKraaken, "We've booked high school jazz bands, I bought a guitar for this one kid and put him up on stage, we even reformed the Benjamins, my funk group from high school for a 1 am headlining slot at the Magic Eel." Gulping coffee by the pint, McKraaken left for Fourth Street where, "This amazing group of homeless guys are headlining at Emos- you gotta check em out!" Meanwhile, Tim McPhereson, lead songwriter of the Miracle Mile Men surveyed an empty amphitheatre which he and his band-mates had driven over 400 miles to play. "Our next song is called...." he muttered into the microphone, "Fuck it."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Apple Introduces iTalkpad

Silicon Valley, WI. Hot on the heels of the introduction of the soon-to-be-outdated iPad, Apple Computer Corp. has unveiled their latest creation: the iTalkpad. This laptop-sized computer offers all the features of the original iPad with the modern convenience of the iPhone, making it the most humongous and versatile portable communication device on the planet. A discrete mouthpiece is located at the far end of the touchscreen while the earpiece is located at the opposite end. When asked about the commercial viability of a 12 pound, 22" cell-phone, Apple owner Steven Jobs stated, "Our market research has found if it has our logo on it, people will shell out the bucks." Almost on cue, Apple enthusiast Mark Cragmoor of Nashua, WI threw away his unopened iPad box and got back in the car to drive to the Apple store at the Nashua Boardwalk Mall. When he saw the iTalkpad wouldn't be commercially available until next week, he went to the Orange Julius stand and when he finished his drink said, "Fuck it."

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hotel Celebrates 10 Days Without Armed Standoff

New Brunswick, WI. Fred and Cindy Robbiespierre celebrated ten consecutive days of peace at their Riviera Motor Lodge on the outskirts of New Brunswick. The Riviera has been known by local law enforcement officers as a hotbed of prostitution, drug use and domestic violence. "It's been a great week- almost two weeks!" stated Fred as he and Cindy cautiously looked out the window. Just eleven days ago, local drifter Caleb Hardworth was holed up in room 121 taking potshots at police officers after seven days of drug-induced sleep deprivation. Two days prior to that, Tex Merrimac, a psychotic short-term resident was yelling his demands at the Robbiespierres while his hostages squirmed in the closet. Police reports indicate the Riviera has hosted an armed standoff almost weekly since 2001 with a staggering twelve incidents of armed violence in a single week in 2006. While few explanations have been given, it is assumed that the location of the Riviera situated between a liquor store, a Grocery Outlet and the railroad yard makes it a prime spot for mentally unstable drifters. The Robbiespierres nervously sipped champagne and ate a small slice of chocolate cake unaware that Terry Donaldson in room 221 was cleaning a shotgun while the voices in his head repeatedly said "Fuck it."