Nome, AK. Republican vice presidential nominee and 3rd level Illuminati stool pigeon Sarah Palin has announced her intention to attack Georgia if Russia continued hostilities, adding that a US invasion of neighboring Alabama is also under consideration. "If those Russians are going to attack Georgia then so will we," stated Palin during a hard-hitting interview session on the View. "They can attack their Georgia and we'll attack ours. Did you know that I can see Russia from my kitchen window, and they look very evil over there," she told a baffled yet sympathetic Barbara Walters. A barely coherent Starr Jones asked if the conflict were to spread, would Palin consider expanding the battle. "Oh yeah," Palin responded, "We'll take on Alabama, South Carolina, Kentucky. My husband is a successionist, you know." Palin then proceeded to help the twittering hosts to bake a cake shaped like a Russian-made AK-47. The entire American registered voting population and most of the international community responded with an online resolution stating, "Fuck it!"
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Hollywood, NY. Exasperated TV host and celebrity chef Dom Prudhomme Fitzlstiff threw his hands in the air and told the in-studio audience, "You think you can make a better cake? Then you bake the fucking thing!" After botching the measurements for a flourless raspberry chocolate torte, Fitzlstiff accidentally added two gallons of milk to the recipe where only 2 cups were called for. Brandishing a whisking brush and tottering on unstable legs, Fitzlstiff set about berating his shows producer during Wednesday's live broadcast of "Mmmm! That's Good!", his popular cooking show. "When I say I want organic cashews, I mean organic! I can taste the pesticide." At which point his voice trailed off, "Taste the pesticide...." After an awkward five minute break where Fitzlstiff stood on his hands and knees watching the horribly mis-shapen cake in the oven, he pronounced it done. The cake had two long prehensile eyes and crab-like legs and as the live audience ran screaming for the doors, it was heard to proclaim, "Fuck it."
Thursday, September 18, 2008
New York, NY. Off-duty cop John McClain announced his presidential bid today with a cel phone call while hidden inside a building under siege from German terrorists. McClain, who has saved similar buildings from being destroyed while rescuing bank savings, his wife and the infrastructure of the United States placed the call to his friend Clarence, a fellow off-duty police officer with whom he began an unlikely friendship approximately three movies ago. "I'm serious, this country has some problems," a wounded McClain stated while huddled under a flight of stairs as rival Hans Gruber strafed the room with AK-47 gunfire. When Clarence, safely ensconced in his patrol car outside the facility, suggested McClain run for president, a beleaguered McClain replied, "Y'know, pal, that's a damn good idea. I'm gonna do it," before throwing an improvised grenade in the direction of Gruber. Potential vice-president pick Shia LaBouf's publicist responded to rumors of his candidacy with a prepared statement reading, "Fuck it."
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Asbury Park, NJ. Foreclosures, spiraling debt and high gas prices have impacted one of the largest rock groups in the country. Citing rising rents and poor community relations, Bruce Springsteen's backing band, the E Street Band, has been forced to move. "What a bitch," stated guitarist Little Stevie Van Zandt as he carried a box of cooking utensils out of the group's home of 30 years. "We're looking into a new place, maybe over on Henderson Street, or Clarence (Clemens) thought he saw a place for rent out on Dunlow," stated drummer Max Weinberg. "It's a pisser though because we were finally starting to feel at home here," he continued. Rhythm guitarist Nils Lofgren was slightly more optimistic, "There's a couple of nice places on Galena Street, or if that doesn't work out I know a guy who's couch we can crash on over at Admiral and Nostler." Saxophone giant Clemens was decidedly less enthusiastic, "I got all this shit," he stated, motioning to a box of nick-nacks from his three decades of world travel, "where the fuck we gonna put that?" In the meantime, Springsteen with the newly christened Percival Way Condominium Street Band will begin a short tour of Canada and Nova Scotia in support of their latest album titled, "Fuck it."
Saturday, September 6, 2008
New Bethesda, Washington. Unemployed local wastrel Burt Crackleton recently made demands upon his beleagured roomate, Hutch Stichins. "At first I thought he just wanted me to pick him up a soda or something," stated Stichins who was en route to the local Plaid Pantry when he saw Crackleton gesticulate wildly in his direction. "Dude, no, dude, please," Crackleton was heard to say, while pointing with both hands toward the door. Crackleton had recently injested marijuana vapors for his fourth time that day, as he has daily since being laid off from the local Donut Hole last summer. "So I start like, what?" Stichins reported, "and he's like, 'No, dude, just do it- please.' When I asked him what he wanted he just started laughing and saying, 'No dude, you know what I want- you KNOW!" The impasse was ended when Stitchins left via the front door as a clearly upset Crackleton berated him with calls of, "Dude! Dude!" Local Plaid Pantry manager Hasim Qborak summed up the argument with a proverb in his native Khzyhkstani language which translates roughly to, "Fuck it."
In a swift and unprecedented move, Senoir Congressman Bill Lompoc has passed a bill which would outlwas the use of the popular Spell-Check program for home computer usrs. "It is a step toward transparencie sin the media and particularly for the online communitie," Lompoc stated in a preaprred statemunt. :One needs to know what a person wrote- not what a computer can polish and shine for him," Lompoc stated, "Too ofteun we've relied on laziness ond technologikul crutches for man to express himselfs, weel, no more!" The bill waas swiftlie passed throught a unitefed Congreeess today and isxpected to be ratifies by the Presidentu latur this weke. Bloggurs, authors and computers useres acroesiis the counstiry responneded wiht aout rage, issueing a jionst statement on the pupopular Techsoptos= website which read" Fucik it."
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Cult-like sun-worshipping Disney rejects the Polyphonic Spree announced their disbanding today citing musical differences, personal differences, monetary issues, family leave, substance abuse and alcohol abuse issues for the split. The group who made a big splash in 2003 with their swirling white robes and childlike songs of love and solar power were perhaps best known as the largest indie rock undertaking in history. All 37 original members have started solo projects. First violinist Claire McCartneywood will now front Mystical Tetrahedron, a free-folk ensemble with members of ESPers. Oboeist Stan Klinkton has already issued a solo ep of abrasive noise under the Crank Cranium banner while bassist Teve Samson will follow his jam-band urges with Holy Roller Granola. Lead guitarist Guy Pfiston will follow with a reggae-infused calypso group Da Monitas and rhythm guitarist Kurt Linksmith is in the studio with alt-metal supergroup Kweezy. Polyphonic Spree frontman Tim DeLauer will continue as a solo performer with the Monophonic Spree, his debut album on Hollywood Records will be called, "Fuck it."
Mulatto presidential hopeful and potential Muslim terrorist Barack Obama issued a strongly worded plea to the nations indie rockers demanding that they stop supporting his faltering campaign. "Do I really need the support of that freak from Deerhunter in order to guide this country? Lord I hope not." A scruffy, twenty-something press secretary in black skinny jeans and Israeli prayer scarf delivered the missal to the shocked editors of indie mainstay Mono-candy.com earlier today. "I'm trying to reach out to the common man," the statement read, "not these cheap-beer swilling, alt-porn navel gazers from Williamsburg- I mean, fuck- they keep trying to get me to add their band on Myspace and I'm trying to shatter racial stereotypes and still sneak in a tax cut for us billionaires," Obama stated. Democratic attack dog and classic rock enthusiast Joseph Biden concurred with a strongly worded statement of his own: "In all my time in politics, I've never heard such banal braying as what passes for lyrics these days. It used to be you could turn on the radio and hear some Nuge and drink a beer and grab some waitresses ass. These days you can't even turn on the TV without fucking Adele dancing around in a tube top."
Win Butler, the pasty-faced leader of the Arcade Fire and expert on American politics while having the audacity to be Canadian responded to the attacks by quietly crying, followed by gently strumming his acoustic guitar and was seen seruptitiously writing down potential lyrics. The strongest backlash to Obama's statement came from Ivy League troubadour Sufjan Stevens who quickly wrote and recorded four albums worth of pro-McCain songs, inadvertently causing a bump in Obama's popularity. Virtual indie mouthpiece Pitchforkmedia editors issued a similarly damning counter attack by lambasting Obama as a "hippie- but not like Devendra" and called bullshit on Biden because, "everyone knows the iPod commercial with the lady in the tube top is Feist, not Adele." Black militant and funky fresh soul mama Michelle Obama issued a strongly worded counter-opinion stating, "Fuck it."
Disturbed liberal pundits and right wing conservatives shared a rare moment of togetherness tonight as fledgeling politician and obvious Illuminati stool-pigeon Sara Palin doubled over in pain during her Vice Presidential acceptance speech and delivered the evil seed of the Dark Lord Himself from the podium of the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis tonight.
Palin was midway through her seemingly contradictory defense of the death penalty while damning abortion when she suddenly dropped to her knees and began speaking in tongues. "A child must be born before the government can execute it," she told the rapturous crowd of 5,000 supporters in her largest political speech to date; at which point her eyes rolled back into her head and she began intoning a dark incantation: "Cursed angel of light- I deliver unto thee a spawn that may sit beside thee on your oaken throne forevermore" while beams of dark matter shot forth from her eye sockets.
The succubus emerged from beyond the hem of her red Vera Wang power suit with eyes of fire and a flickering tongue of flame. Republican party liason with God, Billy Graham looked on unpreturbed by the events unfolding. "All part of the master plan" he was heard mumbling under his breath. As the writhing, blood red demon of the Netherworld began unfolding it's leathery wings, Republican Party members were equally divided among those cheering the blood soaked Palin and those screaming for the exits. "I, spawn of Lucifer claim this Xcel Energy Center of Minneapolis- Saint Paul as castle and keep of my dark lord for his eternal reign upon this cursed plane!" the fire-breathing succubus was heard uttering as loyal Republican supporters switched their placards from the standard red and blue "McCain/Palin" signs to charred metal signs reading "Lucifer/Cheney 2008- Together we can!" Current Vice President and 43rd level Illuminati Grand Wizard Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment but his press secretary issued a statement from his brimstone bunker high in the Swiss Alps which read a succinct, "Fuck it. "