OBAMA URGES INDIE ROCKERS TO STOP SUPPORTING HIM

Mulatto presidential hopeful and potential Muslim terrorist Barack Obama issued a strongly worded plea to the nations indie rockers demanding that they stop supporting his faltering campaign. "Do I really need the support of that freak from Deerhunter in order to guide this country? Lord I hope not." A scruffy, twenty-something press secretary in black skinny jeans and Israeli prayer scarf delivered the missal to the shocked editors of indie mainstay Mono-candy.com earlier today. "I'm trying to reach out to the common man," the statement read, "not these cheap-beer swilling, alt-porn navel gazers from Williamsburg- I mean, fuck- they keep trying to get me to add their band on Myspace and I'm trying to shatter racial stereotypes and still sneak in a tax cut for us billionaires," Obama stated. Democratic attack dog and classic rock enthusiast Joseph Biden concurred with a strongly worded statement of his own: "In all my time in politics, I've never heard such banal braying as what passes for lyrics these days. It used to be you could turn on the radio and hear some Nuge and drink a beer and grab some waitresses ass. These days you can't even turn on the TV without fucking Adele dancing around in a tube top."

Win Butler, the pasty-faced leader of the Arcade Fire and expert on American politics while having the audacity to be Canadian responded to the attacks by quietly crying, followed by gently strumming his acoustic guitar and was seen seruptitiously writing down potential lyrics. The strongest backlash to Obama's statement came from Ivy League troubadour Sufjan Stevens who quickly wrote and recorded four albums worth of pro-McCain songs, inadvertently causing a bump in Obama's popularity. Virtual indie mouthpiece Pitchforkmedia editors issued a similarly damning counter attack by lambasting Obama as a "hippie- but not like Devendra" and called bullshit on Biden because, "everyone knows the iPod commercial with the lady in the tube top is Feist, not Adele." Black militant and funky fresh soul mama Michelle Obama issued a strongly worded counter-opinion stating, "Fuck it."