Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Narberth, PA. Social networking giants Myspace and Facebook will be combining to create Myface. The two, multi-million user websites were reportedly introduced by a third website and began dating almost immediately. Myspace founder Tom says he was immediately smitten by Facebook's clean interface, improved interactivity and penetrating blue eyes. Meanwhile, Facebook left many flirtatious comments on Tom's Myspace page before posting a racy picture of itself in it's underwear on his comments field. Tom responded by inviting Facebook to join him for a game of Gangsters and the two massive social networking sites consummated their attraction after sharing appletinis in a Wisconsin bar. The resulting site, Myface will offer the photo-sharing capabilities of Flickr with the micro-stalking advantages of Twitter. At the time of Beta testing, users will only be allowed to post photos of their own faces in different expressions while their "pores" (a clever play on "peers") will be able to zoom in closer in order to get a better look and tag with comments about imperfections and clear spots. Current software enables viewers to zoom in up to 2000%, providing an unprecedented look at even the tiniest flaws and blemishes. Future upgrades will include the application that allows users to virtually travel up the noses of their friends. The Business Managers Consolidated Association of America, who are in charge of making sure people actually work at their job, posted the following tweet on their Twitter page regarding the recent merger: "Fuck it."
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Earth, USA. In a startling move designed to placate fussy youngsters on social networking sites, the RIAA has deemed that all music will now be free of charge. "We saw the writing on the wall, and we knew that the time was right," said RIAA Chairman Del Courty. "Music distributed both online and at traditional, quaint 'brick and mortar' stores is now completely gratis." With the exception of a short altercation at a Lubbock-area Wherehouse Records when the store was over-run by looting customers, the transition has mostly gone unnoticed. In an act of industry solidarity, music-instrument makers are following suit. Gibson Guitar spokesman Jell McLarity had this to say: "In support of the RIAA, Gibson guitars and all other guitar, bass and drum makers are now offering their products for no money down ever. If you can prove that you will, indeed, make music with these instruments, then they will be given to you free of charge." The long-reaching effects of this resolution are expected to trickle down to touring musicians as both Union 76 and Shell Oil have stated if a band is touring or driving to or from a show or practice session, they can fill up their tank for free. There have been rumors that bar owners may follow suit and offer free alcohol to anyone listening to free music as well. Ironically, items used to hear music, like iPods, will remain at full price, as will keyboards. 8 year old Kelly Brunckins responded by looking through a glass display case at a Bratz Magic Keyz keyboard and saying, "Fuck it."
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Internet, WI. The online fashion community was rocked yesterday when a male human being posted a photograph of himself on the popular Wardrobe Remix website. "I thought I looked pretty good that day and y'know, fashion isn't just for girls," stated the wayward poster, Mr. Dan Frehumph, a sophmore at Delancy College in Westbrook. The popular street fashion site has yet to issue an official statement but many of it's members have expressed confusion and outrage. "LOL, I Heart U!" stated Pinkprincess21 while Whatjanewore posted a scathing, "Meh." Contrary to conventional wisdom, Frehumph is not currently gay and may have been using the site to actually attract women. "I got alot of positive feedback, now I just have to take it to the next level," stated Frehumph. While his combination of tan trousers and a striped t-shirt was hardly groundbreaking, Frehumph received many comments for his outfit, including one from his long-suffering girlfriend, Alison McCarthy who left a comment under the screen-name Alicat stating, "Fuck it."
Thursday, April 2, 2009
New Lubbock, WI. Jim Breizling, the general manager of the floundering ARC Electronics Corporation announced today at a company-wide meeting that very soon that remaining company employees will be enjoying increased parking spaces and more room in the refrigerator. While many employees of the hopelessly overstaffed enterprise were confused how exactly Breizling would implement these plans, others were skeptical. "We haven't sold any 5890s in two months and half the stuff we are selling is being returned as defective," mused junior engineer Thad Willis. "Half the day everyone's just standing around at their stations waiting for some work to come down the line." Breizling and financial manager Carrie Worthling were evasive about how their goals would be reached. "There may be some changes in each of your departments," Worthling stated, "There may be a few more office supplies to go around and despite no increase in revenue, you may find a little extra coffee in the pot each morning." Employees were guarded but optimistic. "I don't know how they plan on keeping us all here, and now with extra benefits? I'm excited," stated customer service rep Mark Thanguay, who totally missed the point of the meeting. Therese Mendoza, a clerk at the New Lubbock branch of the unemployment office reportedly told her co-workers, "Fuck it."