Thursday, March 26, 2009

Congress Awards $700 Billion Bailout To Local Pipefitter.

Washington, DC. In a startling display of bipartisan politics, the U.S. Congress has awarded a $700 billion bailout package to local pipefitter, John Saintwurth. Heeding calls from both the "Bail Out The People" movement and cries from big business, Congress consolidated their economic stimulus packages into a windfall for a single U.S. family. "I don't know what to make of it," said Saintwurth who scratched his head in disbelief at the news. "I know little Jessica needs a new pair of shoes and now they're saying I can buy a shoe factory. And someone suggested buying a whole cattle ranch since Loraine was going to go get some dog food for Diggly." Wife Loraine Saintwurth was equally perplexed, "John has a good job and I'm still picking up a few hours at the cafeteria but I guess they people in Washington know what's best." With the fate of the entire free market resting squarely on their shoulders, at press time the Saintwurth family was divided between going on vacation to Las Vegas for 300 years or buying the state of Rhode Island. The rest of the country responded with a unanimous, "Fuck it!"

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

House Somehow Hits Tree

House hits tree.
Intsville, WA. Despite total immobility on the part of both objects and no discernible cause, two inanimate objects have collided. The house owned by Janice and Rufus Dickerson has smashed into the 74 year old oak tree approximately 50 feet away. While neither object has physically moved and both remain standing, they recently became entangled to the point of mutual destruction despite the fact that it is against multiple laws of physics. "I don't know what to make of it," stated Rufus, surveying the destruction, "It's like nothing is different but they're right next to each other now." This baffling scene of destruction has local civil engineers scratching their heads in wonder. "Normally, two inanimate objects can't touch each other but here they are, it must be some kind of rip in the space-time continuum," guessed Intsville tree trimmer Gustav Norson. While the steady growth of the tree limbs was originally cited, witnesses stated the tree was still at least 40 feet away from the house last time they checked. "I just heard this awful sound last night," stated Janice, "And I woke up thinking, my god, the house has hit a tree." Chippy McSquirrelson, the bushy tailed owner of a small nest high in the branches of the tree chirped in protest at the offending house squirrel words which translate roughly to, "Fuck it."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Sizzler, Sizzla Team Up For Reggae-Themed Steakhouse

sizzla loves cheesy toast
Kingston, Jamaica. Behemoth steak chain Sizzler has joined forces with dancehall reggae superstar Sizzla Kalonji to create the world's first reggae steakhouse, the Ital Fruit, Steak and Juice House. "We're thrilled to be joining forces with this energetic young man," said Jerry McCatherty from a press conference high in the Jamaican mountains. While many Rastafarians are vegetarian and the pro-hemp decor may be frowned down upon in many American communities, Kalonji is still supportive. "I & I rasta make the steak an' seafood platter meself, seen?" he stated during the press conference, "Woe to the downpressors of King Sellassie I, rasta bring ital cheesy toast to the Hola Mount Zion that all the children of Jah might overstand the conquering lion of Judah return in triumph over the wicked forces of babylon, sight?" McCatherty nodded and smiled nervously while Kalonji continued to regale the assembled press corp while DJ Killa B began spinning the dub plate of Sizzla's latest single, "Princess Black Steak." The first customers at the new chain, Bill and Marilyn Eschester of Blarettsvile, Indiana were somewhat taken aback by the casual attitude of the waitstaff and Marilyn was concerned about the pungent aroma of ganja smoke emitting from teh kitchen but when the cheesy toast came out they both agreed: "Fuck it."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Local Dorks Upgraded to Cool After Daring Prank

Innsmouth, MA. Local dorks Jeff and Lawrence Elgin have recently seen their status rise as the result of a daring prank. Members of the local metal, jock and stoner communities have all stepped forward to voice their tentative re-evaluation of the dork brothers after they vandalized the local Blockbuster video chain. "I never thought those little pricks would do anything cool, but I have to admit that's pretty funny," stated local hesher Bobby McGuinness after spotting the boys handywork. Even high school junior and local weed connection Dan Graves had to concur that it was a ballsy thing to do, "Me and Jake were coming out of the Circle K right when we saw them jump off the roof. We were laughing our asses off." Jake added, "I always thought those two were fuck ups, but this is pretty funny." While the Elgin brothers were unavailable for comment, their sister, Tamara, who has retained her dork status claims she saw them, "Drink like, 20 Red Bulls that night," which may explain the sudden rise in ballsyness in her brothers. Sherdon Madlock, the local Blockbuster franchise owner reportedly gazed at his storefront the following morning and muttered the following statement, "Fuck it."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Worker Out Of Here

New Guinneasborough, NJ. Local copy editor Jay Lance is totally out of here, according to sources. Lance issued a statement approximately 20 minutes before the customary 5 o'clock closing time stating, "Dude, I'm outty" to his cubicle partner, Janet Wastmunt, who is considering ditching out herself. Despite repeated warnings from his supervisor, Lance is hoping to get out early thereby beating the rush at the 19th Hole sportsbar, and procuring a seat near the jukebox where female office workers have been known to congregate. Smoothing back his wavy brown hair, Lance placed his reuseable lunch bag in the pocket of his coat so if he were accosted or detained on his way out the door, he could argue that he wasn't going anywhere and would be back in just a second. As a matter of fact, Lance is hoping to finish this exact blog quicker than normal so he can go get a drink. "Fuck it."

Fucking Piece Of Shit!

Lake Turbold, IN. Frustrated blogger Charles Atwoodsen has recently suffered a disasterous turn of fate when this fucking piece of shit wouldn't do what it was fucking made to do, thereby fucking up his entire god-damn morning trying to fix it. Atwoodsen, author of the popular Technophilia blog about home computers and their open-source applications recently had to drop everything so this god-damn fucking piece of garbage would turn on and actually do what they say it's supposed to do instead of sitting there like a god-damn $1000 paperweight on his kitchen table. Atwoodsen's long-term girlfriend Jill Kraznerst brought it home around 7 o'clock the previous night and they were too distracted by the movie on tv to try it out until just now. "I though, sure, I'll give it a go," Atwoodsen was reported to have said, "Until I'm up to my fucking knees in spare parts here just trying to get the fucking thing to power up! We thought it would be fun but I'm ready to throw the thing out the fucking window right now." Atwoodsen was too embarrassed to call his father, a professional mechanic, for advice on how to engage said piece-of-shit. Atwoodsen continued: "All I know is if Jill can't get this thing working I'm going to fucking kill somebody with it because god-damn it was expensive!" Janet Freiluv, the tattooed, pierced saleswoman at Couples Love Boutique who had helped Kraznerst the previous day released a statement earlier today saying, "Fuck it."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Internet Closed For Cleaning.

Silicon Valley, WA. The internet, a vast network of computers and servers which enables people to communicate and learn information from remote locations, will be closed for cleaning this Friday from 4 to 6 pm PST. All email, web services, e-commerce, online gaming, porn sites and social networking sites will be vaccumed, rinsed, dusted and shaken out of windows while the growing number of e-dishes piling up in the sink will be washed and put in the drying rack. Furthermore, recycle folders and trash options will be emptied and a refreshing lemon e-scent will be sprayed to eliminate online germs and odors. If you plan on using the internet during this time, please be advised that if you did not write your name and a date on your documents with a pen, they will be deleted. The last time the internet was cleaned was in 2004 when hirsute internet user Seth Rayfield of Archway, Wisconsin left a giant electronic hairball in the drain of a popular online shower site which took programmers and software engineers all morning to extract and place in a nearby web-based garbage can. International news organizations have reported that Bobby Thompson of North Bloomfield, Arizona will be attempting to access the popular site while his mother is out grocery shopping at this time and will most likely utter the popular exclamation, "Fuck it!"

Workaholic Enters Rehab, Emerges A Loser.

Peoria, WI. Local overacheiver Jim Kwelter has finally been cured of his annoying addiction to success. After receiving his MBA in just 5 years and rising through the ranks of Donnelton Industries to become their most successful salesman in their 30 year history, Kwelter saw it was time to take a step back. "All I ever did was work," said Kwelter from his comfortable, well-appointed ranch house, "Sure, I got amazing results and I saw big money, but I felt like there was always less out there that I could be doing." Kwelter's wife of 9 years, Nancy, was supportive: "Jim has always achieved whatever he set his mind to and when we bought our third house and a boat, we knew something had to give." Kwelter entered the Phoenix Rehabilitation Center on March 9th, just three days after sealing yet another multi-million dollar deal for Donnelton. "God damn I'm gonna miss that guy, he could do everything, and he made us alot of money," stated Kwelter's former parter Bruce Knockleton. Through extensive therapy and treatment at the Phoenix Center, Kwelter finally emerged a loser. "Jim sure has become a fuck-up," according to Nancy, "I can't even get him to take out the garbage now, but at least he's finally kicked his terrible addiction to work." Kwelter emerged from his trash strewn living room in the evening dressed only in stained pyjama bottoms to issue the following statement: "Fuck it."