Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dio tames dragon.

Albion, UK. Legendary pint-sized arena rocker Ronnie James Dio has effectively soothed a fire breathing dragon thus allowing his campaign to continue their journey to Coromir in search of the recently kidnapped Prince of Vashtok. Starting his career in the early 1970s fronting the band Elf, Dio has since gone on to sing for Black Sabbath, Rainbow and his own solo project, Dio. His recent foray into the world of role playing games almost came to an inauspicious conclusion when Firethrush, an 8th level dragon with +3 against mages appeared, blocking his passage into Coromir. While Xanthrial rolled a 14 for his long bow attack against the dragon, Dio, who's single "Rainbow in the Dark" reached number 47 in the US Billboard AOR charts in 1987, effectively cast an invisibility spell over his party thus setting up fifth level cleric Anthomir for a mortal blow with his broadsword. Recently reunited with the former members of Black Sabbath under the new moniker Heaven & Hell, Dio has undertaken a year long commitment to touring the US with possible recording dates at the end of the year under the condition that he return the Prince to his father, the ailing king Ashtogoth of Vashtok. 14 year old Jimmy Pantagent of Swindonhurst, who was unable to join the campaign after receiving a C- for his report on Abe Lincoln was heard at his home to mutter the ancient curse, "Fuck it."

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Last Remaining Employed American Laid Off

New Delhi, MA. In a devastating blow to local, state and federal economies, the final active member of the American work force has been laid off. Carol Stuttgart, 51, of New Delhi received a pink slip from her employer, Wilson Carruthers, the former owner of Shoe Time at a once popular Massachusetts strip mall. State and local politicians were on hand to see Stuttgart receive her severance packing which included a check for her hours worked that week as well as some coupons for the recently shuttered Food Lion in nearby Atherton. With American unemployment reaching an all-time high of 100%, Stuttgart's chances of finding a new job are bleak. "Alot of people were asking me if Shoe Time was hiring," a stunned Stuttgart said before getting into her 1984 Ford Fiesta en route to her home. "I guess I'll look for work someplace else but I don't think there are any other stores open in the country anymore." Newly elected president and long-time Conan fan Barack Obama commemorated the event with a phone call to Stuttgart which went unanswered as there are no longer any phone operators to handle such calls. While Stuttgart seemed despondent at the recent turn of events, she was last seen driving her Fiesta toward the recently closed Pastime Pool bar while waving her coupons yelling, "Fuck it!"

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Lazy-Assed Blogger Writes New Post

Cedar Rapids, MI. Local blogger and internet celebrity Johnny "Twitter Twit" Mohansen has finally gotten off his ass and written a new post for his blog entitled "Where there's a Wilco, there's a way". The poorly researched and not-Spell-Checked blog came at the end of a 6 week drought for the hungry blogosphere which included Mohansen's tech-savvy brother and long-suffering girlfriend. "If Tweedy & co. proved anything last year," Mohansen stated, "It's the positive power of politics in music. I don't mean that U2 shit though, I'm talking real music. Obama couldn't have done it without us indie rockers and I'm gonna expect some payback!" Mohansen's love of Wilco has been extrapolated in many previous blog postings including "Tweedy", "Jay Stirrat and the Urges of Compulsion" and most recently "What Yankee Hotel Foxtrot means to me." Insiders at the Mohansen camp stated a large number of reasons for the long gap between posts, "Well John got sick, then it was the holidays and he's still laid off and he ran out of weed and now I guess he's back," stated roomate Nick Tzint. The recent post was met with a resounding thud in the online world and that night as Mohansen walked alone on a sandy beach he placed a large sea shell to his ear and could have sworn he heard the words: "Fuck it."