Last Remaining Employed American Laid Off

New Delhi, MA. In a devastating blow to local, state and federal economies, the final active member of the American work force has been laid off. Carol Stuttgart, 51, of New Delhi received a pink slip from her employer, Wilson Carruthers, the former owner of Shoe Time at a once popular Massachusetts strip mall. State and local politicians were on hand to see Stuttgart receive her severance packing which included a check for her hours worked that week as well as some coupons for the recently shuttered Food Lion in nearby Atherton. With American unemployment reaching an all-time high of 100%, Stuttgart's chances of finding a new job are bleak. "Alot of people were asking me if Shoe Time was hiring," a stunned Stuttgart said before getting into her 1984 Ford Fiesta en route to her home. "I guess I'll look for work someplace else but I don't think there are any other stores open in the country anymore." Newly elected president and long-time Conan fan Barack Obama commemorated the event with a phone call to Stuttgart which went unanswered as there are no longer any phone operators to handle such calls. While Stuttgart seemed despondent at the recent turn of events, she was last seen driving her Fiesta toward the recently closed Pastime Pool bar while waving her coupons yelling, "Fuck it!"