Thursday, October 15, 2009

New Age Musician Sick Of That Fucking Windchime.

Sedona, WI. International recording star and professional sound healer Bree Weatherspoon announced to himself today that he is sick of that fucking windchime. Feeling the pressures of time constraints placed on him by record label Healing Journeys and generally frustrated with the direction of his relationship with girlfriend Sanjaya Nanabeam, Weatherspoon pulled on his own hair at his mixing desk and adamantly stated his frustration with the sampled windchime he was overdubbing onto the track "Journey To Ananda." "It just doesn't sound right," he stated "It's supposed to be promoting healing and help the track to enter the transformation stage but instead it just sounds like shit and this fucking thing is really starting to piss me off." While drinking his fourth cup of coffee, Weatherspoon attempted to pitch-correct the sample and inadvertently crashed ProTools on his computer. "If this motherfucker didn't save my backups there's going to be some fucking healing going on when I smash it with a baseball bat." Despite knowing numerous self-help strategies to calm down in situations like this one, Weatherspoon continued to rage at his computer while displacing his fury about an email he received from his ex-wife earlier that morning, stating "I'm about to journey to the god-damned gun store if this piece of shit doesn't shape up." Weatherspoon's chakras responded to questions with an unanimous, "Fuck it."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Betty Crocker Introduces Hangover Helper

Detroit, WI. Multinational food conglomerate Betty Crocker Inc. has announced a bold plan to move into college markets with an updated version of the popular Hamburger Helper meat snack called Hangover Helper. "We saw the niche in the market and we went for it," stated spokesman Mark Finger. The traditional Hamburger Helper recipe was updated with stimulants like Taurine and caffeine while a generous helping of B vitamins and asprin was included to soothe headaches and stomachaches. "College students, binge drinkers and alcoholic stay-at-home moms can all enjoy the same great taste with an extra helping of antacid to reduce the damage done by drinking a whole bottle of vodka," said Finger, himself a relapsed alcoholic. College students across the country have purchased whole cases, as have impressionable youngsters who were lead to believe the powdered meat topping included alcohol. Second year pre-med student Jason Azbergre reportedly rose from his couch with a splitting headache while still wearing a toga from the previous night's party and swatted a box of Hangover Helper off his kitchen counter while reaching for a piece of bread and muttered, "Fuck it."

hangover helper