Friday, February 6, 2009

Guitar Hero Prodigy Not Actual Guitar Prodigy

Brookshore, NE. Chas Wintworth, the 12 year old Guitar Hero wunderkind cannot actually play the guitar. Despite being able to complete Dragonforce's "Through the Fire & the Flames" on the expert setting of the popular Guitar Hero video game, Wintworth himself has never actually touched a guitar. Bestowed with the name "Rockstar" by both his parents and schoolmates alike for his video game proficiency, he himself neither owns a single compact disc, vinyl album or even a cassette. Wintworth, who routinely takes Ritalin, Welbutrin and generous helpings of asprin, has recently taken to wearing a red tiger-striped bandanna around his head while he walks to school in the morning and has been known to play air guitar when his school mates acknowledge his presence. Wintworth considers his newfound fame a great improvement over his previous anominity despite holding high scores in Sonic the Hedgehog and Parappa the Rapper. At press time, recent studies have confirmed that Guitar Hero is not a "gateway game" that leads to actual musicianship while the merits of air guitar are still being debated. When asked to comment on Wintworth's rapid rise to fame on the playground, Dragonforce guitarist Herman Li could only say, "fuck it."

Thursday, February 5, 2009

That Girl Can Sang!

Bedford-Stuyvesant, MO. Girlfriend, I am here to tell you, that girl can saaaaang! I was like, uh-uh when I saw her all gettin up on stage? At kareoke? She had all Baby Phat an shit so we was like aw no you don't girl! No you don't! An I was like all nuh-uh when I saw her all singing Whitney? So we was clownin- we was like, ready to git ya-know? We was like nuh-uh- awwww hell no. An the song's all startin an shit an we like bustin up an she starts all singin like and I'm all like, girlfriend, that girl can saaaaaaaaang! We was like damn an she was all tha's right an I was like yaknow? So we start waving cel phones and shit and she just like uh-huh, tha's right an we was like awww yeah! So Laquanda goes up next an is jus all like, "Fuck it."