Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Detroit, MI. Musician James Osterberg, better known as "Iggy Pop" has shocked the musical community by purchasing, and eventually wearing, an article of clothing known as a "t-shirt." Pop has gone shirtless since roughly 1968 when he began fronting the seminal punk rock band, the Stooges. Now entering his sixth decade of life, Pop decided it was time for a change, "I got kinda cold, so, y'know," a wary Pop told a cabal of reporters. Iggy, who was frequently spotted wearing just an old pair of jeans and, occasionally, high-top tennis shoes, had to be convinced that this image makeover would behoove a man of his advanced years. Personal trainer and stylist Nock Obdermann explains, "I just told Ig, a t shirt is a cotton tube with an opening at the bottom as well as a short cotton shim for each arm and a small hole for the neck which the head passes through. He was apprehensive at first but I think my going to the Detroit Ross with him really helped him out. Plus he liked the design." The silk screened print features a yellow van with blue bubble letters spelling the word: "Awesome." There was a short adjustment period where Iggy repeated pawed at his previously bare chest and was seen walking backwards in an attempt to escape the shirt. When it was explained that the shirt would eventually have to be removed for cleaning, Iggy tugged limply at the white cotton fabric and muttered, "Fuck it."
Friday, November 7, 2008
New Bethlehem, WA. An exhausted and visibly confused President-elect Barack Obama continues to campaign for his presidential bid despite the fact that he has won the election by a landslide on Tuesday. "This once-great nation needs to rise again," a fatigued Obama told a massive group of supporters at the campaign's third stop of the day, "We need to rise... and vote... we need to change votes when voters rise." Obama's stilted speech and erratic gestures conveyed an image of a man gone over the brink of exhaustion. "Three years I've been on this campaign trail," he continued, "What does it take to get you people to elect me?" The crowd, composed of the same Obama supporters who voted him into office earlier this week responded with ecstatic whoops, waving the "CHANGE" placards that were utilized when the election was still undecided. A noticeably irritated campaign manager Ari Schaeffer-Lux seemed unable to persuade Obama that the election was over and he had, indeed, won. "It's like talking to an automaton," Schaeffer-Lux admitted, continuing, "Of course the crowds don't help. They're out there cheering because they're celebrating but Barack just doesn't get it." Reeking of determination from three-plus years of campaigning, Obama refuses to concede that the election is over and he has won. John McCain's campaign has been eerily silent on the issue since disbanding four days ago but an Alaskan moose wounded by a shotgun blast from pregnant, Down Syndrome 8 year old Radar Palin raised his head from the melting, blood soaked snow to bellow, "Fuck it."
While most of the world knows the Scorpions as caged metal midgets rocking hairsprayed 80's women like a hurricane, there was a time when the Scorpions were truly on the musical vanguard. Like most bands, the Scorpions golden age started and ended with their debut album, 1972's Lonesome Crow. This brilliant slab of proto-jazz metal sounds like nothing so much as a German Santana with progressive aspirations. What could have been an unlistenable failure of epic proportions is instead a singular listening experience that has yet to be bettered in it's admittedly limited context.
Formed in Hanover in 1969, the initial Scorps lineup featured Klaus "Mini-Miene" Meine who's vocal chops that would remained utterly unchanged throughout his 30-plus year history with the band. Brothers Rudolph and Michael Schenker play guitars with the kind of sibling telekinesis that rivals the brothers Davies, Van Halen and Gallagher combined. Wolfgang Dziony and Lothar Heimberg, on drums and bass respectively, were lost to the sands of time after this album and one suspects that they were responsible for the jazzy flights of fancy as by the Scorps second LP, 1974's Fly To The Rainbow, Heimberg, Dziony and the space jazz has all been abandoned.
If not the greatest, certainly the most ironic aspect of Lonesome Crow is that it was originally commissioned as a soundtrack to an anti-drug film. The irony being that one would be hard pressed to find a better argument for the use of drugs than Lonesome Crow. Aggressive distorted guitars, jazzy yet driving rhythms, howled lyrics about women gone wrong and/or being stranded in the desert, all that's missing is a Nehru jacketed lothario dispensing psychedelics to naive, flaxen-haired waifs. But it is this campy diversity which is the album's strongest suit: lunar soundscapes, driving metal riffs and groaning incantations only add to the singular charm, best displayed on the track "Leave Me" which channels Black Sabbath's "Electric Funeral" through a Teutonic kaleidoscope. The centerpiece however, is the title track, a 13 minute epic which recalls either Spinal Tap's ill-fated jazz odyssey at the amusement park or Dave Brubeck on alot of acid. Either way, the listener is the winner in the end, having weathered a ride from progressive rock outer space through earthy, grunting jazz, to aquatic noisescapes before finally landing in heavy metal hell. The Scorpions themselves would stay here at the lower rungs of celestial music throughout an absurdly long and equally lucrative career but they would rarely reach such heavy, funky, bewildering plateaus again. Future guitar replacement Uli Jon Roth sat high atop a crystal throne intoning the words, "Fuck it."
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
West Dunkirk, AL. Wearing day-glow hoodies, ironic t-shirts depicting Alf and venetian blind-style sunglasses, a small group of teenagers have re-instated the original George Bush back into the White House. "He's totally tubular!" shreiked Lannie Rostrum, who wasn't even born when the 80's happened. Bouyed by the support of Kanye West, Fallout Boy and a large percentage of slackers who havent done anything with their lives since graduating from high school almost 20 years ago, the write-in campign became a viral hit after videos posted on YouTube featured the original George Bush (affectionately referred to as "O.G.B." by his supporters) interspliced with clips from the popular 80's show Growing Pains. "The last George Bush was gay," stated a clearly homosexual Pete Wentz, "The old George Bush was radtastic!" He then kissed his artificially inseminated wife Ashlee Simpson, a product of what Hollywood calls a Lavender Marriage. Neither of the current George Bushes could not be reached for comment but 80's icon Ronald Reagan rose from the grave to say in cryptic, undead tones, "Fuck it."
Fort Lauderdale, MO. In a stunning turn of events, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain endorsed Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama for president during a campaign speech at the Lake Woosley Senior Center today. "He's got the experience, he's got eloquence, he's got a gleam in his eye that feels like he's looking right into your soul," stated McCain to a confused group of retirees. "His broad shoulders can stand the burden of running this country and his firm, yet gentle hands will steer us on the right course." McCain's aides immediately scrambled to spin the story on his behalf. "A vote for Obama is still a vote for McCain!" yelped senior advisor Scott Hurtrout, adding, "We're all in this together!" Obama's campaign has actually rejected the endorsement stating, "This is another example of McCain pandering and flip flopping. He just wants to be on the side that's winning," adding, "And we clearly are because we're already on the cover of all these magazines talking like we're already the President so nyahnny-nyahnny-nyah nyah!" The press agent then stuck his thumb to his nose and waved his fingers in the air. Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joseph Bin Biden was quoted as saying, "What the fuck do I care, I'm just the veep?" While Republican white witch Sarah Palin was too busy burning books and not aborting down-syndrome babies to be reached for comment. Current President (in name only, let's admit it) George Bush posted a strongly worded statement from his Crawford Texas ranch (which he bought after becoming President strictly for photo-ops- really) stating, "Fuck it."
Friday, October 3, 2008
Liberty, MA. Democratic presidential candidate and probable Republican stool pigeon Barack Obama has shortened his message of hope and change to a single invented word: "Chope." This is a startling reversal from last week's extension of his campaign message to include "Hope, change, foresight and panache" Obama's reversal was quickly seized by the rival McCain campaign. "This is further proof that Obama is a flip flopper and not a hip hopper," McCain stated,"He needs some Blue-Blockers and some pop-lockin' if he wants to lead this nation of millions." McCain has recently began rapping all his public statements in an effort to make headway in the politically active 18-21 year old African American demographic. Obama remains unflustered: "We need chope! Let's chope for chope! Chope is dope like the pope on a rope, yes yes y'all" Obama told a small group of seniors at a Wisconsin retirement center on Tuesday. The McCain campaign has denied allegations that they will shorten their campaign slogan of "Straight talk" to a simpler "Stalk" but conservative pundits still agree that Republican vice presidential candidate and hockey playing pit-bull supporter Sarah Palin will be wearing a large alarm clock around her neck and shouting "Yeeeeahboyeeeeee!" by the end of the week. Current American president George Bush (the younger one, not the older one) emerged from an Oxycontin stupor just long enough to issue the following strongly worded statement: "Fuck all y'all bitches and ho's."
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Nome, AK. Republican vice presidential nominee and 3rd level Illuminati stool pigeon Sarah Palin has announced her intention to attack Georgia if Russia continued hostilities, adding that a US invasion of neighboring Alabama is also under consideration. "If those Russians are going to attack Georgia then so will we," stated Palin during a hard-hitting interview session on the View. "They can attack their Georgia and we'll attack ours. Did you know that I can see Russia from my kitchen window, and they look very evil over there," she told a baffled yet sympathetic Barbara Walters. A barely coherent Starr Jones asked if the conflict were to spread, would Palin consider expanding the battle. "Oh yeah," Palin responded, "We'll take on Alabama, South Carolina, Kentucky. My husband is a successionist, you know." Palin then proceeded to help the twittering hosts to bake a cake shaped like a Russian-made AK-47. The entire American registered voting population and most of the international community responded with an online resolution stating, "Fuck it!"
Friday, September 19, 2008
Hollywood, NY. Exasperated TV host and celebrity chef Dom Prudhomme Fitzlstiff threw his hands in the air and told the in-studio audience, "You think you can make a better cake? Then you bake the fucking thing!" After botching the measurements for a flourless raspberry chocolate torte, Fitzlstiff accidentally added two gallons of milk to the recipe where only 2 cups were called for. Brandishing a whisking brush and tottering on unstable legs, Fitzlstiff set about berating his shows producer during Wednesday's live broadcast of "Mmmm! That's Good!", his popular cooking show. "When I say I want organic cashews, I mean organic! I can taste the pesticide." At which point his voice trailed off, "Taste the pesticide...." After an awkward five minute break where Fitzlstiff stood on his hands and knees watching the horribly mis-shapen cake in the oven, he pronounced it done. The cake had two long prehensile eyes and crab-like legs and as the live audience ran screaming for the doors, it was heard to proclaim, "Fuck it."
Thursday, September 18, 2008
New York, NY. Off-duty cop John McClain announced his presidential bid today with a cel phone call while hidden inside a building under siege from German terrorists. McClain, who has saved similar buildings from being destroyed while rescuing bank savings, his wife and the infrastructure of the United States placed the call to his friend Clarence, a fellow off-duty police officer with whom he began an unlikely friendship approximately three movies ago. "I'm serious, this country has some problems," a wounded McClain stated while huddled under a flight of stairs as rival Hans Gruber strafed the room with AK-47 gunfire. When Clarence, safely ensconced in his patrol car outside the facility, suggested McClain run for president, a beleaguered McClain replied, "Y'know, pal, that's a damn good idea. I'm gonna do it," before throwing an improvised grenade in the direction of Gruber. Potential vice-president pick Shia LaBouf's publicist responded to rumors of his candidacy with a prepared statement reading, "Fuck it."
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Asbury Park, NJ. Foreclosures, spiraling debt and high gas prices have impacted one of the largest rock groups in the country. Citing rising rents and poor community relations, Bruce Springsteen's backing band, the E Street Band, has been forced to move. "What a bitch," stated guitarist Little Stevie Van Zandt as he carried a box of cooking utensils out of the group's home of 30 years. "We're looking into a new place, maybe over on Henderson Street, or Clarence (Clemens) thought he saw a place for rent out on Dunlow," stated drummer Max Weinberg. "It's a pisser though because we were finally starting to feel at home here," he continued. Rhythm guitarist Nils Lofgren was slightly more optimistic, "There's a couple of nice places on Galena Street, or if that doesn't work out I know a guy who's couch we can crash on over at Admiral and Nostler." Saxophone giant Clemens was decidedly less enthusiastic, "I got all this shit," he stated, motioning to a box of nick-nacks from his three decades of world travel, "where the fuck we gonna put that?" In the meantime, Springsteen with the newly christened Percival Way Condominium Street Band will begin a short tour of Canada and Nova Scotia in support of their latest album titled, "Fuck it."
Saturday, September 6, 2008
New Bethesda, Washington. Unemployed local wastrel Burt Crackleton recently made demands upon his beleagured roomate, Hutch Stichins. "At first I thought he just wanted me to pick him up a soda or something," stated Stichins who was en route to the local Plaid Pantry when he saw Crackleton gesticulate wildly in his direction. "Dude, no, dude, please," Crackleton was heard to say, while pointing with both hands toward the door. Crackleton had recently injested marijuana vapors for his fourth time that day, as he has daily since being laid off from the local Donut Hole last summer. "So I start like, what?" Stichins reported, "and he's like, 'No, dude, just do it- please.' When I asked him what he wanted he just started laughing and saying, 'No dude, you know what I want- you KNOW!" The impasse was ended when Stitchins left via the front door as a clearly upset Crackleton berated him with calls of, "Dude! Dude!" Local Plaid Pantry manager Hasim Qborak summed up the argument with a proverb in his native Khzyhkstani language which translates roughly to, "Fuck it."
In a swift and unprecedented move, Senoir Congressman Bill Lompoc has passed a bill which would outlwas the use of the popular Spell-Check program for home computer usrs. "It is a step toward transparencie sin the media and particularly for the online communitie," Lompoc stated in a preaprred statemunt. :One needs to know what a person wrote- not what a computer can polish and shine for him," Lompoc stated, "Too ofteun we've relied on laziness ond technologikul crutches for man to express himselfs, weel, no more!" The bill waas swiftlie passed throught a unitefed Congreeess today and isxpected to be ratifies by the Presidentu latur this weke. Bloggurs, authors and computers useres acroesiis the counstiry responneded wiht aout rage, issueing a jionst statement on the pupopular Techsoptos= website which read" Fucik it."
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Cult-like sun-worshipping Disney rejects the Polyphonic Spree announced their disbanding today citing musical differences, personal differences, monetary issues, family leave, substance abuse and alcohol abuse issues for the split. The group who made a big splash in 2003 with their swirling white robes and childlike songs of love and solar power were perhaps best known as the largest indie rock undertaking in history. All 37 original members have started solo projects. First violinist Claire McCartneywood will now front Mystical Tetrahedron, a free-folk ensemble with members of ESPers. Oboeist Stan Klinkton has already issued a solo ep of abrasive noise under the Crank Cranium banner while bassist Teve Samson will follow his jam-band urges with Holy Roller Granola. Lead guitarist Guy Pfiston will follow with a reggae-infused calypso group Da Monitas and rhythm guitarist Kurt Linksmith is in the studio with alt-metal supergroup Kweezy. Polyphonic Spree frontman Tim DeLauer will continue as a solo performer with the Monophonic Spree, his debut album on Hollywood Records will be called, "Fuck it."
Mulatto presidential hopeful and potential Muslim terrorist Barack Obama issued a strongly worded plea to the nations indie rockers demanding that they stop supporting his faltering campaign. "Do I really need the support of that freak from Deerhunter in order to guide this country? Lord I hope not." A scruffy, twenty-something press secretary in black skinny jeans and Israeli prayer scarf delivered the missal to the shocked editors of indie mainstay Mono-candy.com earlier today. "I'm trying to reach out to the common man," the statement read, "not these cheap-beer swilling, alt-porn navel gazers from Williamsburg- I mean, fuck- they keep trying to get me to add their band on Myspace and I'm trying to shatter racial stereotypes and still sneak in a tax cut for us billionaires," Obama stated. Democratic attack dog and classic rock enthusiast Joseph Biden concurred with a strongly worded statement of his own: "In all my time in politics, I've never heard such banal braying as what passes for lyrics these days. It used to be you could turn on the radio and hear some Nuge and drink a beer and grab some waitresses ass. These days you can't even turn on the TV without fucking Adele dancing around in a tube top."
Win Butler, the pasty-faced leader of the Arcade Fire and expert on American politics while having the audacity to be Canadian responded to the attacks by quietly crying, followed by gently strumming his acoustic guitar and was seen seruptitiously writing down potential lyrics. The strongest backlash to Obama's statement came from Ivy League troubadour Sufjan Stevens who quickly wrote and recorded four albums worth of pro-McCain songs, inadvertently causing a bump in Obama's popularity. Virtual indie mouthpiece Pitchforkmedia editors issued a similarly damning counter attack by lambasting Obama as a "hippie- but not like Devendra" and called bullshit on Biden because, "everyone knows the iPod commercial with the lady in the tube top is Feist, not Adele." Black militant and funky fresh soul mama Michelle Obama issued a strongly worded counter-opinion stating, "Fuck it."
Disturbed liberal pundits and right wing conservatives shared a rare moment of togetherness tonight as fledgeling politician and obvious Illuminati stool-pigeon Sara Palin doubled over in pain during her Vice Presidential acceptance speech and delivered the evil seed of the Dark Lord Himself from the podium of the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis tonight.
Palin was midway through her seemingly contradictory defense of the death penalty while damning abortion when she suddenly dropped to her knees and began speaking in tongues. "A child must be born before the government can execute it," she told the rapturous crowd of 5,000 supporters in her largest political speech to date; at which point her eyes rolled back into her head and she began intoning a dark incantation: "Cursed angel of light- I deliver unto thee a spawn that may sit beside thee on your oaken throne forevermore" while beams of dark matter shot forth from her eye sockets.
The succubus emerged from beyond the hem of her red Vera Wang power suit with eyes of fire and a flickering tongue of flame. Republican party liason with God, Billy Graham looked on unpreturbed by the events unfolding. "All part of the master plan" he was heard mumbling under his breath. As the writhing, blood red demon of the Netherworld began unfolding it's leathery wings, Republican Party members were equally divided among those cheering the blood soaked Palin and those screaming for the exits. "I, spawn of Lucifer claim this Xcel Energy Center of Minneapolis- Saint Paul as castle and keep of my dark lord for his eternal reign upon this cursed plane!" the fire-breathing succubus was heard uttering as loyal Republican supporters switched their placards from the standard red and blue "McCain/Palin" signs to charred metal signs reading "Lucifer/Cheney 2008- Together we can!" Current Vice President and 43rd level Illuminati Grand Wizard Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment but his press secretary issued a statement from his brimstone bunker high in the Swiss Alps which read a succinct, "Fuck it. "