Tuesday, October 21, 2008

80's Infatuated Teenagers Vote George H.W. Bush Back Into Office

West Dunkirk, AL. Wearing day-glow hoodies, ironic t-shirts depicting Alf and venetian blind-style sunglasses, a small group of teenagers have re-instated the original George Bush back into the White House. "He's totally tubular!" shreiked Lannie Rostrum, who wasn't even born when the 80's happened. Bouyed by the support of Kanye West, Fallout Boy and a large percentage of slackers who havent done anything with their lives since graduating from high school almost 20 years ago, the write-in campign became a viral hit after videos posted on YouTube featured the original George Bush (affectionately referred to as "O.G.B." by his supporters) interspliced with clips from the popular 80's show Growing Pains. "The last George Bush was gay," stated a clearly homosexual Pete Wentz, "The old George Bush was radtastic!" He then kissed his artificially inseminated wife Ashlee Simpson, a product of what Hollywood calls a Lavender Marriage. Neither of the current George Bushes could not be reached for comment but 80's icon Ronald Reagan rose from the grave to say in cryptic, undead tones, "Fuck it."

McCain Endorses Obama

Fort Lauderdale, MO. In a stunning turn of events, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain endorsed Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama for president during a campaign speech at the Lake Woosley Senior Center today. "He's got the experience, he's got eloquence, he's got a gleam in his eye that feels like he's looking right into your soul," stated McCain to a confused group of retirees. "His broad shoulders can stand the burden of running this country and his firm, yet gentle hands will steer us on the right course." McCain's aides immediately scrambled to spin the story on his behalf. "A vote for Obama is still a vote for McCain!" yelped senior advisor Scott Hurtrout, adding, "We're all in this together!" Obama's campaign has actually rejected the endorsement stating, "This is another example of McCain pandering and flip flopping. He just wants to be on the side that's winning," adding, "And we clearly are because we're already on the cover of all these magazines talking like we're already the President so nyahnny-nyahnny-nyah nyah!" The press agent then stuck his thumb to his nose and waved his fingers in the air. Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joseph Bin Biden was quoted as saying, "What the fuck do I care, I'm just the veep?" While Republican white witch Sarah Palin was too busy burning books and not aborting down-syndrome babies to be reached for comment. Current President (in name only, let's admit it) George Bush posted a strongly worded statement from his Crawford Texas ranch (which he bought after becoming President strictly for photo-ops- really) stating, "Fuck it."

Friday, October 3, 2008


Liberty, MA. Democratic presidential candidate and probable Republican stool pigeon Barack Obama has shortened his message of hope and change to a single invented word: "Chope." This is a startling reversal from last week's extension of his campaign message to include "Hope, change, foresight and panache" Obama's reversal was quickly seized by the rival McCain campaign. "This is further proof that Obama is a flip flopper and not a hip hopper," McCain stated,"He needs some Blue-Blockers and some pop-lockin' if he wants to lead this nation of millions." McCain has recently began rapping all his public statements in an effort to make headway in the politically active 18-21 year old African American demographic. Obama remains unflustered: "We need chope! Let's chope for chope! Chope is dope like the pope on a rope, yes yes y'all" Obama told a small group of seniors at a Wisconsin retirement center on Tuesday. The McCain campaign has denied allegations that they will shorten their campaign slogan of "Straight talk" to a simpler "Stalk" but conservative pundits still agree that Republican vice presidential candidate and hockey playing pit-bull supporter Sarah Palin will be wearing a large alarm clock around her neck and shouting "Yeeeeahboyeeeeee!" by the end of the week. Current American president George Bush (the younger one, not the older one) emerged from an Oxycontin stupor just long enough to issue the following strongly worded statement: "Fuck all y'all bitches and ho's."