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Nevada City, WI. Wooded Strings, a leading group in the modern folk renaissance have ceased to be a collaborative effort and are currently operating as a tight-fisted monarchy. Group leader Ky McHenderson insists the group is still friendly, "We're a family. I just want to make music with my family of friends and whichever wayfaring strangers happen to venture down my path." McHenderson's girlfriend and ukulele player for Wooded Strings, Opal Moonblood, sees things differently, "Ky has been an insufferable asshole ever since we got that story about us in Magnet. Now it's his way or the highway, God he reminds me of my dad when he drinks." Accordionist Eagle Bearriver concurred, "All Ky ever talks about is how this band is a family but he won't even let us play on the recordings anymore. Opal is no better, always running around saying everything is fine while he's fucking that girl from Brooklyn." Trumpet player Energy Dave has kept his opinions private, echoing the withdrawn tendencies of younger children in abused homes. Rice Appleton, booking agent for the upcoming Family Magic Music Dreams festival which Wooded Strings are set to headline, popped a cassette of Black Sabbath 4 into his office boombox and muttered, "Fuck it."
USA, WI. In a bold move intended to tighten the belts of Americans hit hard by the economic recession, it has been announced that all top ten lists will now be shortened to top five. Comedians, music nerds and sports fanatics have all begrudgingly accepted that the national economy can no longer afford a full load of ten favorite things. "I've relied on a top ten for years," stated general geek Howard Robeson, "I can name my ten favorite cartoon characters, ten favorite breakfast cereals and ten best lines from Kramer on 'Seinfeld' but I guess it's time to thin the herd." A contingent of video store owners has embarked on a envoy to Washington seeking a repeal but until the economy picks up, America will have to be satisfied with only half of it's favorite things. There is still no word on what will happen if someone constructs two top five lists of the same subject but Harold Jepster, lead joke writer for David Letterman's Tonight Show was quoted as saying, "Fuck it."
Washington D.C., WI. A sobering new study from the conservative think tank Globewatchers has announced that rising global temperatures are threatening to destroy the world's collection of snow globes. "As the polar ice caps melt, we've seen a drastic reduction in iridescent glitter in snow globes around the world," stated junior executive researcher Chas Hanson. "Furthermore, we've noted sharp declines in plastic alligators, mini landmarks and that white plastic snow that looks like salt, all essential ingredients in healthy snow dome environments." Citizens visiting amusement parks around the world have been both shocked and outraged. "Some one needs to do something about it," stated irate Busch Gardens visitor Kimberly Cranlock, "My kids want to shake something and see all the stuff- and now they can't, because of the politicians." Cranlock punctuated her tirade by slapping her eldest child, Billy, when he reached for a lollipop. Hanson concurs, "If the government doesn't do something about this soon, we could be looking at an irreversible decline in both the quality and number of snow globes available to future generations. In a subterranean bunker miles below the surface of Virginia, former vice president Al Gore shook a half-full snow dome depicting the White House and muttered, "Fuck it."
Ann Arbor, WI. Faltering record sales, high gas prices and imminent home foreclosure have forced Detroit-based rappers the insane Clown Posse to play local birthday parties. While loading a PA and a 12 pack of Faygo soda into a suburban house, ICP leader Violent J stated, "We knew times was tough but when Shaggy's house got foreclosed, that really made us rethink what we do." Despite a burgeoning underground rap reputation, popular backyard wrestling videos, Penthouse magazine tie-ins and a national following of "Juggaloes," the Posse began to look for work closer to home. "I put an ad in the paper," said Shaggy, the other half of the popular duo who's song titles include, "I Want My Shit," "Fuck The World" and "Guts On The Ceiling." "We's looking to diversify" said Violent J as he carefully handed a plate of cupcakes with the Hatchet Man logo to Shaggy, "Today we're doing two birthday parties and we're scheduled for a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow if we can get a ride from Shaggy's mom." While Jimmy Hatcade, the expectant birthday boy was still on his way from from baseball practice, the ICP ran through the songs "Murder Rap" and "Blaam!" for soundcheck before finishing up with "Birthday Bitches" and finally setting up a pinata shaped like Pokemon. Mary Hatcade, Jimmy's mother who booked the ICP busied herself by downing her third vodka gimlet of the morning and looked out the window muttering, "Fuck it."
Brooklyn, WI. Local hipster Dan "D-Way" Wayne was mortified to find he had wandered into the Country Music section of the neighborhood Wax Emporium. "I don't know how it happened," a visibly shaken Wayne stated, "I was in there hunting for this Deerhunter test pressing and I guess I got distracted. I didnt even know they had a country section- till now." Fearful that he would be spotted by his peers, Wayne quickly stooped down and pretended to tie the purple shoelaces of his vintage Nike dunks before crawling on all fours in the direction of the Electronica section. However, before he could hide behind the Grizzly Bear marbled vinyl 12"s, Wayne spotted fellow record snob Andrea "Anda Bear" Gurwietz and was forced to to quickly turn around. Mortified by the poorly designed sleeves and blatantly sentimental songwriting, Wayne began to panic and fidgeted with the zipper puller of his Japanese dayglo hoodie. The situation deteriorated when Wayne saw local DJ Anders "Firebird PM" Storrenson in the foreign film DVD section perilously close. "I wish I'd picked up that NEU! original pressing that I was looking at- I could at least cover my face with something other than Charlie Pryde." Wayne's humiliation was complete when he saw his iPhone battery had died and he couldn't text fellow hipster Orville "Ozone" Batters for a bailout. At closing time, Wayne was reportedly hiding in the overstock shelves under the records and store owner Tim Bradford tried to dislodge him with a broom handle before leaving him there, locking up the store and saying, "Fuck it."
East Lansing, WI. Executives at Tony's Fun & Slide Water Park have been disappointed by the lackluster response to their new ad campaign. "We thought we should go edgy and think outside the box, but boy were we wrong," stated park owner Tony Assmunssen. Entrance numbers have plummeted since Assmunssen hired cutting edge advertising firm The Globe for their latest campaign, despite record high temperatures throughout the East Lansing area. Brooklyn Featherlight, the creative CEO of the Globe Collective had this to say, "We went big, we went bold, we knew Tony wanted results and our unique synergy of style and substance was perfect for this campaign. What's wrong with the people of East Lansing? Got me, I live in NoLiTa." Previous summer campaigns for the beleaguered water park have included a dolphin wearing a thong and last year's portrait of Fred Flintstone riding the waterslides in an innertube made of granite. Inka, the 3,000 pound killer whale who has become the centerpiece of the campaign recently bit the arm off of trainer Don Horstein who, as blood gushed from the hole where his arm used to be, reportedly screamed, "Fuck it."
New Brunswick Heights, LA. The global community of internet users has expressed doubt and worry over the fact that North American blogger Dave Tansun has been neglecting his blog. While "Me & Bobby McGee-Whiz!" has never been considered a popular blog even by today's micro-trend standards, billions of Internet users are concerned that Tansun isn't blogging to his full capacity. "I just got kind of tired of it," Tansun said in a statement issued from behind the counter at the local Wendy's. "Like, I don't even know if anyone was reading it." Successful, globally connected bloggers begged to differ, "A blog is like a river, it must flow freely" commented Scandesigns.typepad.com owner Olaff Unersonn. Others concurred, "Blogging is rad" stated 12 year old Alexis Bloodstone who's Wigglesreport.net blog about the daily actions of her 4 month old Bassett Hound Wiggles will soon launch an IPO. When pressed for further comment, Tansun said his break is almost over and concluded by mumbling, "Fuck it."
