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Sedona, WI. International recording star and professional sound healer Bree Weatherspoon announced to himself today that he is sick of that fucking windchime. Feeling the pressures of time constraints placed on him by record label Healing Journeys and generally frustrated with the direction of his relationship with girlfriend Sanjaya Nanabeam, Weatherspoon pulled on his own hair at his mixing desk and adamantly stated his frustration with the sampled windchime he was overdubbing onto the track "Journey To Ananda." "It just doesn't sound right," he stated "It's supposed to be promoting healing and help the track to enter the transformation stage but instead it just sounds like shit and this fucking thing is really starting to piss me off." While drinking his fourth cup of coffee, Weatherspoon attempted to pitch-correct the sample and inadvertently crashed ProTools on his computer. "If this motherfucker didn't save my backups there's going to be some fucking healing going on when I smash it with a baseball bat." Despite knowing numerous self-help strategies to calm down in situations like this one, Weatherspoon continued to rage at his computer while displacing his fury about an email he received from his ex-wife earlier that morning, stating "I'm about to journey to the god-damned gun store if this piece of shit doesn't shape up." Weatherspoon's chakras responded to questions with an unanimous, "Fuck it."
Detroit, WI. Multinational food conglomerate Betty Crocker Inc. has announced a bold plan to move into college markets with an updated version of the popular Hamburger Helper meat snack called Hangover Helper. "We saw the niche in the market and we went for it," stated spokesman Mark Finger. The traditional Hamburger Helper recipe was updated with stimulants like Taurine and caffeine while a generous helping of B vitamins and asprin was included to soothe headaches and stomachaches. "College students, binge drinkers and alcoholic stay-at-home moms can all enjoy the same great taste with an extra helping of antacid to reduce the damage done by drinking a whole bottle of vodka," said Finger, himself a relapsed alcoholic. College students across the country have purchased whole cases, as have impressionable youngsters who were lead to believe the powdered meat topping included alcohol. Second year pre-med student Jason Azbergre reportedly rose from his couch with a splitting headache while still wearing a toga from the previous night's party and swatted a box of Hangover Helper off his kitchen counter while reaching for a piece of bread and muttered, "Fuck it."
Staten Island, WI. Office desk drone Cliff Thompson was surprised and cautiously relaxed for the first time in three years as he realized that his morning at work has been marginally tolerable. "Usually by 10 I'm seeing red and ready to chop someone's head off with a paper cutter but today has almost been kind of okay" stated a wary Thompson who has spent the last three years filing reports for the Ogfad Insurance corporation. "Really, for the first time in years I'm not suppressing a panic attack and wanting to bolt out the door." Possible explanations for Thompson's guarded optimism include the shortened work-week as a result of the President's Day holiday, an impending payday and the fact that Carol Lichfeld, that bitch from HR took the week off. Possible other causes for Thompson's levity include tickets to an upcoming AAA baseball game, Green Day on Saturday Night Live this weekend and a hand-job Thompson received the previous evening from his long-time girlfriend Amanda Worthstein. Skeptics including Thompson's cubicle-mate Jerry Antwerp are predicting Thompson will be suppressing his murderous rage again by noon when the 5235 policy report will land on his desk. Managing supervisor Jim Clavinova surreptitiously peered through the mini-blinds of his office and when he noticed a faint smile on Thompson's face, muttered, "Fuck it."
Nevada City, WI. Wooded Strings, a leading group in the modern folk renaissance have ceased to be a collaborative effort and are currently operating as a tight-fisted monarchy. Group leader Ky McHenderson insists the group is still friendly, "We're a family. I just want to make music with my family of friends and whichever wayfaring strangers happen to venture down my path." McHenderson's girlfriend and ukulele player for Wooded Strings, Opal Moonblood, sees things differently, "Ky has been an insufferable asshole ever since we got that story about us in Magnet. Now it's his way or the highway, God he reminds me of my dad when he drinks." Accordionist Eagle Bearriver concurred, "All Ky ever talks about is how this band is a family but he won't even let us play on the recordings anymore. Opal is no better, always running around saying everything is fine while he's fucking that girl from Brooklyn." Trumpet player Energy Dave has kept his opinions private, echoing the withdrawn tendencies of younger children in abused homes. Rice Appleton, booking agent for the upcoming Family Magic Music Dreams festival which Wooded Strings are set to headline, popped a cassette of Black Sabbath 4 into his office boombox and muttered, "Fuck it."
USA, WI. In a bold move intended to tighten the belts of Americans hit hard by the economic recession, it has been announced that all top ten lists will now be shortened to top five. Comedians, music nerds and sports fanatics have all begrudgingly accepted that the national economy can no longer afford a full load of ten favorite things. "I've relied on a top ten for years," stated general geek Howard Robeson, "I can name my ten favorite cartoon characters, ten favorite breakfast cereals and ten best lines from Kramer on 'Seinfeld' but I guess it's time to thin the herd." A contingent of video store owners has embarked on a envoy to Washington seeking a repeal but until the economy picks up, America will have to be satisfied with only half of it's favorite things. There is still no word on what will happen if someone constructs two top five lists of the same subject but Harold Jepster, lead joke writer for David Letterman's Tonight Show was quoted as saying, "Fuck it."
Washington D.C., WI. A sobering new study from the conservative think tank Globewatchers has announced that rising global temperatures are threatening to destroy the world's collection of snow globes. "As the polar ice caps melt, we've seen a drastic reduction in iridescent glitter in snow globes around the world," stated junior executive researcher Chas Hanson. "Furthermore, we've noted sharp declines in plastic alligators, mini landmarks and that white plastic snow that looks like salt, all essential ingredients in healthy snow dome environments." Citizens visiting amusement parks around the world have been both shocked and outraged. "Some one needs to do something about it," stated irate Busch Gardens visitor Kimberly Cranlock, "My kids want to shake something and see all the stuff- and now they can't, because of the politicians." Cranlock punctuated her tirade by slapping her eldest child, Billy, when he reached for a lollipop. Hanson concurs, "If the government doesn't do something about this soon, we could be looking at an irreversible decline in both the quality and number of snow globes available to future generations. In a subterranean bunker miles below the surface of Virginia, former vice president Al Gore shook a half-full snow dome depicting the White House and muttered, "Fuck it."
Ann Arbor, WI. Faltering record sales, high gas prices and imminent home foreclosure have forced Detroit-based rappers the insane Clown Posse to play local birthday parties. While loading a PA and a 12 pack of Faygo soda into a suburban house, ICP leader Violent J stated, "We knew times was tough but when Shaggy's house got foreclosed, that really made us rethink what we do." Despite a burgeoning underground rap reputation, popular backyard wrestling videos, Penthouse magazine tie-ins and a national following of "Juggaloes," the Posse began to look for work closer to home. "I put an ad in the paper," said Shaggy, the other half of the popular duo who's song titles include, "I Want My Shit," "Fuck The World" and "Guts On The Ceiling." "We's looking to diversify" said Violent J as he carefully handed a plate of cupcakes with the Hatchet Man logo to Shaggy, "Today we're doing two birthday parties and we're scheduled for a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow if we can get a ride from Shaggy's mom." While Jimmy Hatcade, the expectant birthday boy was still on his way from from baseball practice, the ICP ran through the songs "Murder Rap" and "Blaam!" for soundcheck before finishing up with "Birthday Bitches" and finally setting up a pinata shaped like Pokemon. Mary Hatcade, Jimmy's mother who booked the ICP busied herself by downing her third vodka gimlet of the morning and looked out the window muttering, "Fuck it."
