Dio tames dragon.

Albion, UK. Legendary pint-sized arena rocker Ronnie James Dio has effectively soothed a fire breathing dragon thus allowing his campaign to continue their journey to Coromir in search of the recently kidnapped Prince of Vashtok. Starting his career in the early 1970s fronting the band Elf, Dio has since gone on to sing for Black Sabbath, Rainbow and his own solo project, Dio. His recent foray into the world of role playing games almost came to an inauspicious conclusion when Firethrush, an 8th level dragon with +3 against mages appeared, blocking his passage into Coromir. While Xanthrial rolled a 14 for his long bow attack against the dragon, Dio, who's single "Rainbow in the Dark" reached number 47 in the US Billboard AOR charts in 1987, effectively cast an invisibility spell over his party thus setting up fifth level cleric Anthomir for a mortal blow with his broadsword. Recently reunited with the former members of Black Sabbath under the new moniker Heaven & Hell, Dio has undertaken a year long commitment to touring the US with possible recording dates at the end of the year under the condition that he return the Prince to his father, the ailing king Ashtogoth of Vashtok. 14 year old Jimmy Pantagent of Swindonhurst, who was unable to join the campaign after receiving a C- for his report on Abe Lincoln was heard at his home to mutter the ancient curse, "Fuck it."

Last Remaining Employed American Laid Off

New Delhi, MA. In a devastating blow to local, state and federal economies, the final active member of the American work force has been laid off. Carol Stuttgart, 51, of New Delhi received a pink slip from her employer, Wilson Carruthers, the former owner of Shoe Time at a once popular Massachusetts strip mall. State and local politicians were on hand to see Stuttgart receive her severance packing which included a check for her hours worked that week as well as some coupons for the recently shuttered Food Lion in nearby Atherton. With American unemployment reaching an all-time high of 100%, Stuttgart's chances of finding a new job are bleak. "Alot of people were asking me if Shoe Time was hiring," a stunned Stuttgart said before getting into her 1984 Ford Fiesta en route to her home. "I guess I'll look for work someplace else but I don't think there are any other stores open in the country anymore." Newly elected president and long-time Conan fan Barack Obama commemorated the event with a phone call to Stuttgart which went unanswered as there are no longer any phone operators to handle such calls. While Stuttgart seemed despondent at the recent turn of events, she was last seen driving her Fiesta toward the recently closed Pastime Pool bar while waving her coupons yelling, "Fuck it!"

Lazy-Assed Blogger Writes New Post

Cedar Rapids, MI. Local blogger and internet celebrity Johnny "Twitter Twit" Mohansen has finally gotten off his ass and written a new post for his blog entitled "Where there's a Wilco, there's a way". The poorly researched and not-Spell-Checked blog came at the end of a 6 week drought for the hungry blogosphere which included Mohansen's tech-savvy brother and long-suffering girlfriend. "If Tweedy & co. proved anything last year," Mohansen stated, "It's the positive power of politics in music. I don't mean that U2 shit though, I'm talking real music. Obama couldn't have done it without us indie rockers and I'm gonna expect some payback!" Mohansen's love of Wilco has been extrapolated in many previous blog postings including "Tweedy", "Jay Stirrat and the Urges of Compulsion" and most recently "What Yankee Hotel Foxtrot means to me." Insiders at the Mohansen camp stated a large number of reasons for the long gap between posts, "Well John got sick, then it was the holidays and he's still laid off and he ran out of weed and now I guess he's back," stated roomate Nick Tzint. The recent post was met with a resounding thud in the online world and that night as Mohansen walked alone on a sandy beach he placed a large sea shell to his ear and could have sworn he heard the words: "Fuck it."

IGGY POP BUYS, WEARS "T-SHIRT"

Detroit, MI. Musician James Osterberg, better known as "Iggy Pop" has shocked the musical community by purchasing, and eventually wearing, an article of clothing known as a "t-shirt." Pop has gone shirtless since roughly 1968 when he began fronting the seminal punk rock band, the Stooges. Now entering his sixth decade of life, Pop decided it was time for a change, "I got kinda cold, so, y'know," a wary Pop told a cabal of reporters. Iggy, who was frequently spotted wearing just an old pair of jeans and, occasionally, high-top tennis shoes, had to be convinced that this image makeover would behoove a man of his advanced years. Personal trainer and stylist Nock Obdermann explains, "I just told Ig, a t shirt is a cotton tube with an opening at the bottom as well as a short cotton shim for each arm and a small hole for the neck which the head passes through. He was apprehensive at first but I think my going to the Detroit Ross with him really helped him out. Plus he liked the design." The silk screened print features a yellow van with blue bubble letters spelling the word: "Awesome." There was a short adjustment period where Iggy repeated pawed at his previously bare chest and was seen walking backwards in an attempt to escape the shirt. When it was explained that the shirt would eventually have to be removed for cleaning, Iggy tugged limply at the white cotton fabric and muttered, "Fuck it."        

President-elect Obama Still Campagning.

New Bethlehem, WA. An exhausted and visibly confused President-elect Barack Obama continues to campaign for his presidential bid despite the fact that he has won the election by a landslide on Tuesday. "This once-great nation needs to rise again," a fatigued Obama told a massive group of supporters at the campaign's third stop of the day, "We need to rise... and vote... we need to change votes when voters rise." Obama's stilted speech and erratic gestures conveyed an image of a man gone over the brink of exhaustion. "Three years I've been on this campaign trail," he continued, "What does it take to get you people to elect me?" The crowd, composed of the same Obama supporters who voted him into office earlier this week responded with ecstatic whoops, waving the "CHANGE" placards that were utilized when the election was still undecided. A noticeably irritated campaign manager Ari Schaeffer-Lux seemed unable to persuade Obama that the election was over and he had, indeed, won. "It's like talking to an automaton," Schaeffer-Lux admitted, continuing, "Of course the crowds don't help. They're out there cheering because they're celebrating but Barack just doesn't get it." Reeking of determination from three-plus years of campaigning, Obama refuses to concede that the election is over and he has won. John McCain's campaign has been eerily silent on the issue since disbanding four days ago but an Alaskan moose wounded by a shotgun blast from pregnant, Down Syndrome 8 year old Radar Palin raised his head from the melting, blood soaked snow to bellow, "Fuck it." 

Lonesome Crow

While most of the world knows the Scorpions as caged metal midgets rocking hairsprayed 80's women like a hurricane, there was a time when the Scorpions were truly on the musical vanguard. Like most bands, the Scorpions golden age started and ended with their debut album, 1972's Lonesome Crow. This brilliant slab of proto-jazz metal sounds like nothing so much as a German Santana with progressive aspirations. What could have been an unlistenable failure of epic proportions is instead a singular listening experience that has yet to be bettered in it's admittedly limited context.

Formed in Hanover in 1969, the initial Scorps lineup featured Klaus "Mini-Miene" Meine who's vocal chops that would remained utterly unchanged throughout his 30-plus year history with the band. Brothers Rudolph and Michael Schenker play guitars with the kind of sibling telekinesis that rivals the brothers Davies, Van Halen and Gallagher combined. Wolfgang Dziony and Lothar Heimberg, on drums and bass respectively, were lost to the sands of time after this album and one suspects that they were responsible for the jazzy flights of fancy as by the Scorps second LP, 1974's Fly To The Rainbow, Heimberg, Dziony and the space jazz has all been abandoned.

If not the greatest, certainly the most ironic aspect of Lonesome Crow is that it was originally commissioned as a soundtrack to an anti-drug film. The irony being that one would be hard pressed to find a better argument for the use of drugs than Lonesome Crow. Aggressive distorted guitars, jazzy yet driving rhythms, howled lyrics about women gone wrong and/or being stranded in the desert, all that's missing is a Nehru jacketed lothario dispensing psychedelics to naive, flaxen-haired waifs. But it is this campy diversity which is the album's strongest suit: lunar soundscapes, driving metal riffs and groaning incantations only add to the singular charm, best displayed on the track "Leave Me" which channels Black Sabbath's "Electric Funeral" through a Teutonic kaleidoscope. The centerpiece however, is the title track, a 13 minute epic which recalls either Spinal Tap's ill-fated jazz odyssey at the amusement park or Dave Brubeck on alot of acid. Either way, the listener is the winner in the end, having weathered a ride from progressive rock outer space through earthy, grunting jazz, to aquatic noisescapes before finally landing in heavy metal hell. The Scorpions themselves would stay here at the lower rungs of celestial music throughout an absurdly long and equally lucrative career but they would rarely reach such heavy, funky, bewildering plateaus again. Future guitar replacement Uli Jon Roth sat high atop a crystal throne intoning the words, "Fuck it."

80's Infatuated Teenagers Vote George H.W. Bush Back Into Office

West Dunkirk, AL. Wearing day-glow hoodies, ironic t-shirts depicting Alf and venetian blind-style sunglasses, a small group of teenagers have re-instated the original George Bush back into the White House. "He's totally tubular!" shreiked Lannie Rostrum, who wasn't even born when the 80's happened. Bouyed by the support of Kanye West, Fallout Boy and a large percentage of slackers who havent done anything with their lives since graduating from high school almost 20 years ago, the write-in campign became a viral hit after videos posted on YouTube featured the original George Bush (affectionately referred to as "O.G.B." by his supporters) interspliced with clips from the popular 80's show Growing Pains. "The last George Bush was gay," stated a clearly homosexual Pete Wentz, "The old George Bush was radtastic!" He then kissed his artificially inseminated wife Ashlee Simpson, a product of what Hollywood calls a Lavender Marriage. Neither of the current George Bushes could not be reached for comment but 80's icon Ronald Reagan rose from the grave to say in cryptic, undead tones, "Fuck it."