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SXSW Enters Ninth Grueling Week

2010-03-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

Austin, WI. South By Southwest, the annual music festival held in Austin, has recently been expanded from 4 days to ten grueling weeks. "We knew we had a viable brand and we sought to corner the market, but, my God, what have we done?" asked the visibly exhausted festival chairman Jace McKraaken. Citing the large number of available venues and seemingly limitless number of young bands, SXSW has grown into an unstoppable entertainment juggernaut. At previous SXSW conferences, an average of 300 bands played per day for four days, the new, expanded schedule allows for over 22,000 musical groups to play such hallowed stages as Curly's Rib Joint, The Famous Austin Chicken Shack and the Blender Bar. "The added influx of new talent has been amazing," declared a delirious Fred Nurdson, head writer for the popular Indiewhatever blog, "Jesus, I'm seeing bands I didn't even know existed- I haven't seen my wife since February!" Given the expanded number of showcases, promoters have scrambled to fill every slot. Says McKraaken, "We've booked high school jazz bands, I bought a guitar for this one kid and put him up on stage, we even reformed the Benjamins, my funk group from high school for a 1 am headlining slot at the Magic Eel." Gulping coffee by the pint, McKraaken left for Fourth Street where, "This amazing group of homeless guys are headlining at Emos- you gotta check em out!" Meanwhile, Tim McPhereson, lead songwriter of the Miracle Mile Men surveyed an empty amphitheatre which he and his band-mates had driven over 400 miles to play. "Our next song is called...." he muttered into the microphone, "Fuck it."

Apple Introduces iTalkpad

2010-03-09T14:30:00.000-08:00

Silicon Valley, WI. Hot on the heels of the introduction of the soon-to-be-outdated iPad, Apple Computer Corp. has unveiled their latest creation: the iTalkpad. This laptop-sized computer offers all the features of the original iPad with the modern convenience of the iPhone, making it the most humongous and versatile portable communication device on the planet. A discrete mouthpiece is located at the far end of the touchscreen while the earpiece is located at the opposite end. When asked about the commercial viability of a 12 pound, 22" cell-phone, Apple owner Steven Jobs stated, "Our market research has found if it has our logo on it, people will shell out the bucks." Almost on cue, Apple enthusiast Mark Cragmoor of Nashua, WI threw away his unopened iPad box and got back in the car to drive to the Apple store at the Nashua Boardwalk Mall. When he saw the iTalkpad wouldn't be commercially available until next week, he went to the Orange Julius stand and when he finished his drink said, "Fuck it."

Hotel Celebrates 10 Days Without Armed Standoff

2010-01-21T14:16:00.000-08:00

New Brunswick, WI. Fred and Cindy Robbiespierre celebrated ten consecutive days of peace at their Riviera Motor Lodge on the outskirts of New Brunswick. The Riviera has been known by local law enforcement officers as a hotbed of prostitution, drug use and domestic violence. "It's been a great week- almost two weeks!" stated Fred as he and Cindy cautiously looked out the window. Just eleven days ago, local drifter Caleb Hardworth was holed up in room 121 taking potshots at police officers after seven days of drug-induced sleep deprivation. Two days prior to that, Tex Merrimac, a psychotic short-term resident was yelling his demands at the Robbiespierres while his hostages squirmed in the closet. Police reports indicate the Riviera has hosted an armed standoff almost weekly since 2001 with a staggering twelve incidents of armed violence in a single week in 2006. While few explanations have been given, it is assumed that the location of the Riviera situated between a liquor store, a Grocery Outlet and the railroad yard makes it a prime spot for mentally unstable drifters. The Robbiespierres nervously sipped champagne and ate a small slice of chocolate cake unaware that Terry Donaldson in room 221 was cleaning a shotgun while the voices in his head repeatedly said "Fuck it."

Rocker Diagnosed With Bad Case Of Loving You

2009-12-29T14:26:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, WI. The musical community was shocked to hear that local rocker Kevin Angstrom has been diagnosed with a potentially fatal case of loving local metal chick DeDe LaFountain. Lead singer Angstrom publicly announced his intention to love LaFountain "all night long" during a rendition of "Night Lover" at a recent Leaden Pole concert in downtown Los Angeles. While medical records have not been produced to confirm his critical condition, Angstrom insists he is living with a case of love in the first degree every time LaFountain crosses the room. Other symptoms include "a burning deep down inside", an "itchy itchy feeling" and potentially fatal levels of passion. LaFountain was unaware of Angstrom's condition as of press time but was seen expressing an interest in Leaden Pole's bass player, the healthy yet alcoholic Guy Harrington. Despite a rigorous program of self-medication including cocaine, Jack Daniels and Ibuprofen, Angstrom remains convinced the cure lies within LaFountain's "tight white leather pants at night". When a visibly ill Angstrom vomited on the stage of the LA Rock Palace, soundman Dave Kent reportedly responded with a cold, uncaring, "Fuck it."

Congress gets totally high, decides everything's cool

2009-12-17T12:51:00.001-08:00

Washington, DC, WI. In a startling reversal of partisan politics, the U.S. Congress got super high during Thursday's closed door session and decided that everything is totally cool. Kentucky Senator Dave Bater (R) started the session by playing a djembe on the Senate floor, which prompted Delaware Senator Argyle Nassworth (D) to break out his sweet stash of Afguey Kush which he'd recently purchased from Senate Page Rob West. When Florida's Acton Trammle (I) got a whiff of that sweet, pungent aroma, he broke out his 3 foot glass water pipe and informed Nassworth that "there's a hole in the bowl, won't you plug it with a nugget?" As nearby Senators began to chortle and guffaw, it became clear that a full-on Senate smoke-out was about to commence. By the time the bong made it's way around to Clarice Wentworth (R, NH), long-standing feuds were forgotten and Senators were giggling and playfully swatting at each other. House Bill 315R.21 which was set to allocate funds for low-income housing across the nation, was left undecided while Shepley Horner (D, WI) put a Grateful Dead cassette in the Senate soundsystem and began taking a vote on what kind of pizza to buy with taxpayer money. By mid-afternoon, the rotunda was thick with dope smoke and all the senators present agreed that everything from universal health care to the war in the Middle East, was totally cool. At press time, the bowl was getting near cashiered and Iowa Republican Arth Hector passed a motion saying, "Fuck it."

New Age Musician Sick Of That Fucking Windchime.

2009-10-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

Sedona, WI. International recording star and professional sound healer Bree Weatherspoon announced to himself today that he is sick of that fucking windchime. Feeling the pressures of time constraints placed on him by record label Healing Journeys and generally frustrated with the direction of his relationship with girlfriend Sanjaya Nanabeam, Weatherspoon pulled on his own hair at his mixing desk and adamantly stated his frustration with the sampled windchime he was overdubbing onto the track "Journey To Ananda." "It just doesn't sound right," he stated "It's supposed to be promoting healing and help the track to enter the transformation stage but instead it just sounds like shit and this fucking thing is really starting to piss me off." While drinking his fourth cup of coffee, Weatherspoon attempted to pitch-correct the sample and inadvertently crashed ProTools on his computer. "If this motherfucker didn't save my backups there's going to be some fucking healing going on when I smash it with a baseball bat." Despite knowing numerous self-help strategies to calm down in situations like this one, Weatherspoon continued to rage at his computer while displacing his fury about an email he received from his ex-wife earlier that morning, stating "I'm about to journey to the god-damned gun store if this piece of shit doesn't shape up." Weatherspoon's chakras responded to questions with an unanimous, "Fuck it."

Betty Crocker Introduces Hangover Helper

2009-10-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

Detroit, WI. Multinational food conglomerate Betty Crocker Inc. has announced a bold plan to move into college markets with an updated version of the popular Hamburger Helper meat snack called Hangover Helper. "We saw the niche in the market and we went for it," stated spokesman Mark Finger. The traditional Hamburger Helper recipe was updated with stimulants like Taurine and caffeine while a generous helping of B vitamins and asprin was included to soothe headaches and stomachaches. "College students, binge drinkers and alcoholic stay-at-home moms can all enjoy the same great taste with an extra helping of antacid to reduce the damage done by drinking a whole bottle of vodka," said Finger, himself a relapsed alcoholic. College students across the country have purchased whole cases, as have impressionable youngsters who were lead to believe the powdered meat topping included alcohol. Second year pre-med student Jason Azbergre reportedly rose from his couch with a splitting headache while still wearing a toga from the previous night's party and swatted a box of Hangover Helper off his kitchen counter while reaching for a piece of bread and muttered, "Fuck it."

Work Marginally Tolerable.

2009-09-11T10:37:00.001-07:00

Staten Island, WI. Office desk drone Cliff Thompson was surprised and cautiously relaxed for the first time in three years as he realized that his morning at work has been marginally tolerable. "Usually by 10 I'm seeing red and ready to chop someone's head off with a paper cutter but today has almost been kind of okay" stated a wary Thompson who has spent the last three years filing reports for the Ogfad Insurance corporation. "Really, for the first time in years I'm not suppressing a panic attack and wanting to bolt out the door." Possible explanations for Thompson's guarded optimism include the shortened work-week as a result of the President's Day holiday, an impending payday and the fact that Carol Lichfeld, that bitch from HR took the week off. Possible other causes for Thompson's levity include tickets to an upcoming AAA baseball game, Green Day on Saturday Night Live this weekend and a hand-job Thompson received the previous evening from his long-time girlfriend Amanda Worthstein. Skeptics including Thompson's cubicle-mate Jerry Antwerp are predicting Thompson will be suppressing his murderous rage again by noon when the 5235 policy report will land on his desk. Managing supervisor Jim Clavinova surreptitiously peered through the mini-blinds of his office and when he noticed a faint smile on Thompson's face, muttered, "Fuck it."

Free Folk Group Exhibits Traits of Dysfunctional Family.

2009-08-18T10:36:00.000-07:00

Nevada City, WI. Wooded Strings, a leading group in the modern folk renaissance have ceased to be a collaborative effort and are currently operating as a tight-fisted monarchy. Group leader Ky McHenderson insists the group is still friendly, "We're a family. I just want to make music with my family of friends and whichever wayfaring strangers happen to venture down my path." McHenderson's girlfriend and ukulele player for Wooded Strings, Opal Moonblood, sees things differently, "Ky has been an insufferable asshole ever since we got that story about us in Magnet. Now it's his way or the highway, God he reminds me of my dad when he drinks." Accordionist Eagle Bearriver concurred, "All Ky ever talks about is how this band is a family but he won't even let us play on the recordings anymore. Opal is no better, always running around saying everything is fine while he's fucking that girl from Brooklyn." Trumpet player Energy Dave has kept his opinions private, echoing the withdrawn tendencies of younger children in abused homes. Rice Appleton, booking agent for the upcoming Family Magic Music Dreams festival which Wooded Strings are set to headline, popped a cassette of Black Sabbath 4 into his office boombox and muttered, "Fuck it."

Economy Cuts Top 10 To 5.

2009-08-04T12:10:00.000-07:00

USA, WI. In a bold move intended to tighten the belts of Americans hit hard by the economic recession, it has been announced that all top ten lists will now be shortened to top five. Comedians, music nerds and sports fanatics have all begrudgingly accepted that the national economy can no longer afford a full load of ten favorite things. "I've relied on a top ten for years," stated general geek Howard Robeson, "I can name my ten favorite cartoon characters, ten favorite breakfast cereals and ten best lines from Kramer on 'Seinfeld' but I guess it's time to thin the herd." A contingent of video store owners has embarked on a envoy to Washington seeking a repeal but until the economy picks up, America will have to be satisfied with only half of it's favorite things. There is still no word on what will happen if someone constructs two top five lists of the same subject but Harold Jepster, lead joke writer for David Letterman's Tonight Show was quoted as saying, "Fuck it."

Global Warming Threatens Snow Globes.

2009-07-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

Washington D.C., WI. A sobering new study from the conservative think tank Globewatchers has announced that rising global temperatures are threatening to destroy the world's collection of snow globes. "As the polar ice caps melt, we've seen a drastic reduction in iridescent glitter in snow globes around the world," stated junior executive researcher Chas Hanson. "Furthermore, we've noted sharp declines in plastic alligators, mini landmarks and that white plastic snow that looks like salt, all essential ingredients in healthy snow dome environments." Citizens visiting amusement parks around the world have been both shocked and outraged. "Some one needs to do something about it," stated irate Busch Gardens visitor Kimberly Cranlock, "My kids want to shake something and see all the stuff- and now they can't, because of the politicians." Cranlock punctuated her tirade by slapping her eldest child, Billy, when he reached for a lollipop. Hanson concurs, "If the government doesn't do something about this soon, we could be looking at an irreversible decline in both the quality and number of snow globes available to future generations. In a subterranean bunker miles below the surface of Virginia, former vice president Al Gore shook a half-full snow dome depicting the White House and muttered, "Fuck it."

Economy Forces Insane Clown Posse To Play Birthday Party

2009-06-18T13:54:00.001-07:00

Ann Arbor, WI. Faltering record sales, high gas prices and imminent home foreclosure have forced Detroit-based rappers the insane Clown Posse to play local birthday parties. While loading a PA and a 12 pack of Faygo soda into a suburban house, ICP leader Violent J stated, "We knew times was tough but when Shaggy's house got foreclosed, that really made us rethink what we do." Despite a burgeoning underground rap reputation, popular backyard wrestling videos, Penthouse magazine tie-ins and a national following of "Juggaloes," the Posse began to look for work closer to home. "I put an ad in the paper," said Shaggy, the other half of the popular duo who's song titles include, "I Want My Shit," "Fuck The World" and "Guts On The Ceiling." "We's looking to diversify" said Violent J as he carefully handed a plate of cupcakes with the Hatchet Man logo to Shaggy, "Today we're doing two birthday parties and we're scheduled for a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow if we can get a ride from Shaggy's mom." While Jimmy Hatcade, the expectant birthday boy was still on his way from from baseball practice, the ICP ran through the songs "Murder Rap" and "Blaam!" for soundcheck before finishing up with "Birthday Bitches" and finally setting up a pinata shaped like Pokemon. Mary Hatcade, Jimmy's mother who booked the ICP busied herself by downing her third vodka gimlet of the morning and looked out the window muttering, "Fuck it."

Hipster Stranded in Country Section.

2009-06-08T13:35:00.001-07:00

Brooklyn, WI. Local hipster Dan "D-Way" Wayne was mortified to find he had wandered into the Country Music section of the neighborhood Wax Emporium. "I don't know how it happened," a visibly shaken Wayne stated, "I was in there hunting for this Deerhunter test pressing and I guess I got distracted. I didnt even know they had a country section- till now." Fearful that he would be spotted by his peers, Wayne quickly stooped down and pretended to tie the purple shoelaces of his vintage Nike dunks before crawling on all fours in the direction of the Electronica section. However, before he could hide behind the Grizzly Bear marbled vinyl 12"s, Wayne spotted fellow record snob Andrea "Anda Bear" Gurwietz and was forced to to quickly turn around. Mortified by the poorly designed sleeves and blatantly sentimental songwriting, Wayne began to panic and fidgeted with the zipper puller of his Japanese dayglo hoodie. The situation deteriorated when Wayne saw local DJ Anders "Firebird PM" Storrenson in the foreign film DVD section perilously close. "I wish I'd picked up that NEU! original pressing that I was looking at- I could at least cover my face with something other than Charlie Pryde." Wayne's humiliation was complete when he saw his iPhone battery had died and he couldn't text fellow hipster Orville "Ozone" Batters for a bailout. At closing time, Wayne was reportedly hiding in the overstock shelves under the records and store owner Tim Bradford tried to dislodge him with a broom handle before leaving him there, locking up the store and saying, "Fuck it."

Water Park Ad Campaign Going Poorly

2009-06-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

East Lansing, WI. Executives at Tony's Fun & Slide Water Park have been disappointed by the lackluster response to their new ad campaign. "We thought we should go edgy and think outside the box, but boy were we wrong," stated park owner Tony Assmunssen. Entrance numbers have plummeted since Assmunssen hired cutting edge advertising firm The Globe for their latest campaign, despite record high temperatures throughout the East Lansing area. Brooklyn Featherlight, the creative CEO of the Globe Collective had this to say, "We went big, we went bold, we knew Tony wanted results and our unique synergy of style and substance was perfect for this campaign. What's wrong with the people of East Lansing? Got me, I live in NoLiTa." Previous summer campaigns for the beleaguered water park have included a dolphin wearing a thong and last year's portrait of Fred Flintstone riding the waterslides in an innertube made of granite. Inka, the 3,000 pound killer whale who has become the centerpiece of the campaign recently bit the arm off of trainer Don Horstein who, as blood gushed from the hole where his arm used to be, reportedly screamed, "Fuck it."

Blog Neglected.

2009-05-05T11:13:00.001-07:00

New Brunswick Heights, LA. The global community of internet users has expressed doubt and worry over the fact that North American blogger Dave Tansun has been neglecting his blog. While "Me & Bobby McGee-Whiz!" has never been considered a popular blog even by today's micro-trend standards, billions of Internet users are concerned that Tansun isn't blogging to his full capacity. "I just got kind of tired of it," Tansun said in a statement issued from behind the counter at the local Wendy's. "Like, I don't even know if anyone was reading it." Successful, globally connected bloggers begged to differ, "A blog is like a river, it must flow freely" commented Scandesigns.typepad.com owner Olaff Unersonn. Others concurred, "Blogging is rad" stated 12 year old Alexis Bloodstone who's Wigglesreport.net blog about the daily actions of her 4 month old Bassett Hound Wiggles will soon launch an IPO. When pressed for further comment, Tansun said his break is almost over and concluded by mumbling, "Fuck it."

Myspace, Facebook Combine For Myface.

2009-04-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

Narberth, PA. Social networking giants Myspace and Facebook will be combining to create Myface. The two, multi-million user websites were reportedly introduced by a third website and began dating almost immediately. Myspace founder Tom says he was immediately smitten by Facebook's clean interface, improved interactivity and penetrating blue eyes. Meanwhile, Facebook left many flirtatious comments on Tom's Myspace page before posting a racy picture of itself in it's underwear on his comments field. Tom responded by inviting Facebook to join him for a game of Gangsters and the two massive social networking sites consummated their attraction after sharing appletinis in a Wisconsin bar. The resulting site, Myface will offer the photo-sharing capabilities of Flickr with the micro-stalking advantages of Twitter. At the time of Beta testing, users will only be allowed to post photos of their own faces in different expressions while their "pores" (a clever play on "peers") will be able to zoom in closer in order to get a better look and tag with comments about imperfections and clear spots. Current software enables viewers to zoom in up to 2000%, providing an unprecedented look at even the tiniest flaws and blemishes. Future upgrades will include the application that allows users to virtually travel up the noses of their friends. The Business Managers Consolidated Association of America, who are in charge of making sure people actually work at their job, posted the following tweet on their Twitter page regarding the recent merger: "Fuck it."

All Music Now Free.

2009-04-07T10:52:00.000-07:00

Earth, USA. In a startling move designed to placate fussy youngsters on social networking sites, the RIAA has deemed that all music will now be free of charge. "We saw the writing on the wall, and we knew that the time was right," said RIAA Chairman Del Courty. "Music distributed both online and at traditional, quaint 'brick and mortar' stores is now completely gratis." With the exception of a short altercation at a Lubbock-area Wherehouse Records when the store was over-run by looting customers, the transition has mostly gone unnoticed. In an act of industry solidarity, music-instrument makers are following suit. Gibson Guitar spokesman Jell McLarity had this to say: "In support of the RIAA, Gibson guitars and all other guitar, bass and drum makers are now offering their products for no money down ever. If you can prove that you will, indeed, make music with these instruments, then they will be given to you free of charge." The long-reaching effects of this resolution are expected to trickle down to touring musicians as both Union 76 and Shell Oil have stated if a band is touring or driving to or from a show or practice session, they can fill up their tank for free. There have been rumors that bar owners may follow suit and offer free alcohol to anyone listening to free music as well. Ironically, items used to hear music, like iPods, will remain at full price, as will keyboards. 8 year old Kelly Brunckins responded by looking through a glass display case at a Bratz Magic Keyz keyboard and saying, "Fuck it."

Male Posts Photo To Wardrobe Remix.

2009-04-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

The Internet, WI. The online fashion community was rocked yesterday when a male human being posted a photograph of himself on the popular Wardrobe Remix website. "I thought I looked pretty good that day and y'know, fashion isn't just for girls," stated the wayward poster, Mr. Dan Frehumph, a sophmore at Delancy College in Westbrook. The popular street fashion site has yet to issue an official statement but many of it's members have expressed confusion and outrage. "LOL, I Heart U!" stated Pinkprincess21 while Whatjanewore posted a scathing, "Meh." Contrary to conventional wisdom, Frehumph is not currently gay and may have been using the site to actually attract women. "I got alot of positive feedback, now I just have to take it to the next level," stated Frehumph. While his combination of tan trousers and a striped t-shirt was hardly groundbreaking, Frehumph received many comments for his outfit, including one from his long-suffering girlfriend, Alison McCarthy who left a comment under the screen-name Alicat stating, "Fuck it."

General Manager Announces Plan for More Parking, More Room in Refrigerator.

2009-04-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

New Lubbock, WI. Jim Breizling, the general manager of the floundering ARC Electronics Corporation announced today at a company-wide meeting that very soon that remaining company employees will be enjoying increased parking spaces and more room in the refrigerator. While many employees of the hopelessly overstaffed enterprise were confused how exactly Breizling would implement these plans, others were skeptical. "We haven't sold any 5890s in two months and half the stuff we are selling is being returned as defective," mused junior engineer Thad Willis. "Half the day everyone's just standing around at their stations waiting for some work to come down the line." Breizling and financial manager Carrie Worthling were evasive about how their goals would be reached. "There may be some changes in each of your departments," Worthling stated, "There may be a few more office supplies to go around and despite no increase in revenue, you may find a little extra coffee in the pot each morning." Employees were guarded but optimistic. "I don't know how they plan on keeping us all here, and now with extra benefits? I'm excited," stated customer service rep Mark Thanguay, who totally missed the point of the meeting. Therese Mendoza, a clerk at the New Lubbock branch of the unemployment office reportedly told her co-workers, "Fuck it."

Congress Awards $700 Billion Bailout To Local Pipefitter.

2009-03-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC. In a startling display of bipartisan politics, the U.S. Congress has awarded a $700 billion bailout package to local pipefitter, John Saintwurth. Heeding calls from both the "Bail Out The People" movement and cries from big business, Congress consolidated their economic stimulus packages into a windfall for a single U.S. family. "I don't know what to make of it," said Saintwurth who scratched his head in disbelief at the news. "I know little Jessica needs a new pair of shoes and now they're saying I can buy a shoe factory. And someone suggested buying a whole cattle ranch since Loraine was going to go get some dog food for Diggly." Wife Loraine Saintwurth was equally perplexed, "John has a good job and I'm still picking up a few hours at the cafeteria but I guess they people in Washington know what's best." With the fate of the entire free market resting squarely on their shoulders, at press time the Saintwurth family was divided between going on vacation to Las Vegas for 300 years or buying the state of Rhode Island. The rest of the country responded with a unanimous, "Fuck it!"

House Somehow Hits Tree

2009-03-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Intsville, WA. Despite total immobility on the part of both objects and no discernible cause, two inanimate objects have collided. The house owned by Janice and Rufus Dickerson has smashed into the 74 year old oak tree approximately 50 feet away. While neither object has physically moved and both remain standing, they recently became entangled to the point of mutual destruction despite the fact that it is against multiple laws of physics. "I don't know what to make of it," stated Rufus, surveying the destruction, "It's like nothing is different but they're right next to each other now." This baffling scene of destruction has local civil engineers scratching their heads in wonder. "Normally, two inanimate objects can't touch each other but here they are, it must be some kind of rip in the space-time continuum," guessed Intsville tree trimmer Gustav Norson. While the steady growth of the tree limbs was originally cited, witnesses stated the tree was still at least 40 feet away from the house last time they checked. "I just heard this awful sound last night," stated Janice, "And I woke up thinking, my god, the house has hit a tree." Chippy McSquirrelson, the bushy tailed owner of a small nest high in the branches of the tree chirped in protest at the offending house squirrel words which translate roughly to, "Fuck it."

Sizzler, Sizzla Team Up For Reggae-Themed Steakhouse

2009-03-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

Kingston, Jamaica. Behemoth steak chain Sizzler has joined forces with dancehall reggae superstar Sizzla Kalonji to create the world's first reggae steakhouse, the Ital Fruit, Steak and Juice House. "We're thrilled to be joining forces with this energetic young man," said Jerry McCatherty from a press conference high in the Jamaican mountains. While many Rastafarians are vegetarian and the pro-hemp decor may be frowned down upon in many American communities, Kalonji is still supportive. "I & I rasta make the steak an' seafood platter meself, seen?" he stated during the press conference, "Woe to the downpressors of King Sellassie I, rasta bring ital cheesy toast to the Hola Mount Zion that all the children of Jah might overstand the conquering lion of Judah return in triumph over the wicked forces of babylon, sight?" McCatherty nodded and smiled nervously while Kalonji continued to regale the assembled press corp while DJ Killa B began spinning the dub plate of Sizzla's latest single, "Princess Black Steak." The first customers at the new chain, Bill and Marilyn Eschester of Blarettsvile, Indiana were somewhat taken aback by the casual attitude of the waitstaff and Marilyn was concerned about the pungent aroma of ganja smoke emitting from teh kitchen but when the cheesy toast came out they both agreed: "Fuck it."

Local Dorks Upgraded to Cool After Daring Prank

2009-03-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

Innsmouth, MA. Local dorks Jeff and Lawrence Elgin have recently seen their status rise as the result of a daring prank. Members of the local metal, jock and stoner communities have all stepped forward to voice their tentative re-evaluation of the dork brothers after they vandalized the local Blockbuster video chain. "I never thought those little pricks would do anything cool, but I have to admit that's pretty funny," stated local hesher Bobby McGuinness after spotting the boys handywork. Even high school junior and local weed connection Dan Graves had to concur that it was a ballsy thing to do, "Me and Jake were coming out of the Circle K right when we saw them jump off the roof. We were laughing our asses off." Jake added, "I always thought those two were fuck ups, but this is pretty funny." While the Elgin brothers were unavailable for comment, their sister, Tamara, who has retained her dork status claims she saw them, "Drink like, 20 Red Bulls that night," which may explain the sudden rise in ballsyness in her brothers. Sherdon Madlock, the local Blockbuster franchise owner reportedly gazed at his storefront the following morning and muttered the following statement, "Fuck it."

Worker Out Of Here

2009-03-12T16:46:00.001-07:00

New Guinneasborough, NJ. Local copy editor Jay Lance is totally out of here, according to sources. Lance issued a statement approximately 20 minutes before the customary 5 o'clock closing time stating, "Dude, I'm outty" to his cubicle partner, Janet Wastmunt, who is considering ditching out herself. Despite repeated warnings from his supervisor, Lance is hoping to get out early thereby beating the rush at the 19th Hole sportsbar, and procuring a seat near the jukebox where female office workers have been known to congregate. Smoothing back his wavy brown hair, Lance placed his reuseable lunch bag in the pocket of his coat so if he were accosted or detained on his way out the door, he could argue that he wasn't going anywhere and would be back in just a second. As a matter of fact, Lance is hoping to finish this exact blog quicker than normal so he can go get a drink. "Fuck it."

Fucking Piece Of Shit!

2009-03-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

Lake Turbold, IN. Frustrated blogger Charles Atwoodsen has recently suffered a disasterous turn of fate when this fucking piece of shit wouldn't do what it was fucking made to do, thereby fucking up his entire god-damn morning trying to fix it. Atwoodsen, author of the popular Technophilia blog about home computers and their open-source applications recently had to drop everything so this god-damn fucking piece of garbage would turn on and actually do what they say it's supposed to do instead of sitting there like a god-damn $1000 paperweight on his kitchen table. Atwoodsen's long-term girlfriend Jill Kraznerst brought it home around 7 o'clock the previous night and they were too distracted by the movie on tv to try it out until just now. "I though, sure, I'll give it a go," Atwoodsen was reported to have said, "Until I'm up to my fucking knees in spare parts here just trying to get the fucking thing to power up! We thought it would be fun but I'm ready to throw the thing out the fucking window right now." Atwoodsen was too embarrassed to call his father, a professional mechanic, for advice on how to engage said piece-of-shit. Atwoodsen continued: "All I know is if Jill can't get this thing working I'm going to fucking kill somebody with it because god-damn it was expensive!" Janet Freiluv, the tattooed, pierced saleswoman at Couples Love Boutique who had helped Kraznerst the previous day released a statement earlier today saying, "Fuck it."

Internet Closed For Cleaning.

2009-03-04T15:47:00.000-08:00

Silicon Valley, WA. The internet, a vast network of computers and servers which enables people to communicate and learn information from remote locations, will be closed for cleaning this Friday from 4 to 6 pm PST. All email, web services, e-commerce, online gaming, porn sites and social networking sites will be vaccumed, rinsed, dusted and shaken out of windows while the growing number of e-dishes piling up in the sink will be washed and put in the drying rack. Furthermore, recycle folders and trash options will be emptied and a refreshing lemon e-scent will be sprayed to eliminate online germs and odors. If you plan on using the internet during this time, please be advised that if you did not write your name and a date on your documents with a pen, they will be deleted. The last time the internet was cleaned was in 2004 when hirsute internet user Seth Rayfield of Archway, Wisconsin left a giant electronic hairball in the drain of a popular online shower site which took programmers and software engineers all morning to extract and place in a nearby web-based garbage can. International news organizations have reported that Bobby Thompson of North Bloomfield, Arizona will be attempting to access the popular squirtingmilf.net site while his mother is out grocery shopping at this time and will most likely utter the popular exclamation, "Fuck it!"

Workaholic Enters Rehab, Emerges A Loser.

2009-03-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

Peoria, WI. Local overacheiver Jim Kwelter has finally been cured of his annoying addiction to success. After receiving his MBA in just 5 years and rising through the ranks of Donnelton Industries to become their most successful salesman in their 30 year history, Kwelter saw it was time to take a step back. "All I ever did was work," said Kwelter from his comfortable, well-appointed ranch house, "Sure, I got amazing results and I saw big money, but I felt like there was always less out there that I could be doing." Kwelter's wife of 9 years, Nancy, was supportive: "Jim has always achieved whatever he set his mind to and when we bought our third house and a boat, we knew something had to give." Kwelter entered the Phoenix Rehabilitation Center on March 9th, just three days after sealing yet another multi-million dollar deal for Donnelton. "God damn I'm gonna miss that guy, he could do everything, and he made us alot of money," stated Kwelter's former parter Bruce Knockleton. Through extensive therapy and treatment at the Phoenix Center, Kwelter finally emerged a loser. "Jim sure has become a fuck-up," according to Nancy, "I can't even get him to take out the garbage now, but at least he's finally kicked his terrible addiction to work." Kwelter emerged from his trash strewn living room in the evening dressed only in stained pyjama bottoms to issue the following statement: "Fuck it."

Guitar Hero Prodigy Not Actual Guitar Prodigy

2009-02-06T12:51:00.000-08:00

Brookshore, NE. Chas Wintworth, the 12 year old Guitar Hero wunderkind cannot actually play the guitar. Despite being able to complete Dragonforce's "Through the Fire & the Flames" on the expert setting of the popular Guitar Hero video game, Wintworth himself has never actually touched a guitar. Bestowed with the name "Rockstar" by both his parents and schoolmates alike for his video game proficiency, he himself neither owns a single compact disc, vinyl album or even a cassette. Wintworth, who routinely takes Ritalin, Welbutrin and generous helpings of asprin, has recently taken to wearing a red tiger-striped bandanna around his head while he walks to school in the morning and has been known to play air guitar when his school mates acknowledge his presence. Wintworth considers his newfound fame a great improvement over his previous anominity despite holding high scores in Sonic the Hedgehog and Parappa the Rapper. At press time, recent studies have confirmed that Guitar Hero is not a "gateway game" that leads to actual musicianship while the merits of air guitar are still being debated. When asked to comment on Wintworth's rapid rise to fame on the playground, Dragonforce guitarist Herman Li could only say, "fuck it."

That Girl Can Sang!

2009-02-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

Bedford-Stuyvesant, MO. Girlfriend, I am here to tell you, that girl can saaaaang! I was like, uh-uh when I saw her all gettin up on stage? At kareoke? She had all Baby Phat an shit so we was like aw no you don't girl! No you don't! An I was like all nuh-uh when I saw her all singing Whitney? So we was clownin- we was like, ready to git ya-know? We was like nuh-uh- awwww hell no. An the song's all startin an shit an we like bustin up an she starts all singin like and I'm all like, girlfriend, that girl can saaaaaaaaang! We was like damn an she was all tha's right an I was like yaknow? So we start waving cel phones and shit and she just like uh-huh, tha's right an we was like awww yeah! So Laquanda goes up next an is jus all like, "Fuck it."

Dio tames dragon.

2009-01-29T13:21:00.000-08:00

Albion, UK. Legendary pint-sized arena rocker Ronnie James Dio has effectively soothed a fire breathing dragon thus allowing his campaign to continue their journey to Coromir in search of the recently kidnapped Prince of Vashtok. Starting his career in the early 1970s fronting the band Elf, Dio has since gone on to sing for Black Sabbath, Rainbow and his own solo project, Dio. His recent foray into the world of role playing games almost came to an inauspicious conclusion when Firethrush, an 8th level dragon with +3 against mages appeared, blocking his passage into Coromir. While Xanthrial rolled a 14 for his long bow attack against the dragon, Dio, who's single "Rainbow in the Dark" reached number 47 in the US Billboard AOR charts in 1987, effectively cast an invisibility spell over his party thus setting up fifth level cleric Anthomir for a mortal blow with his broadsword. Recently reunited with the former members of Black Sabbath under the new moniker Heaven & Hell, Dio has undertaken a year long commitment to touring the US with possible recording dates at the end of the year under the condition that he return the Prince to his father, the ailing king Ashtogoth of Vashtok. 14 year old Jimmy Pantagent of Swindonhurst, who was unable to join the campaign after receiving a C- for his report on Abe Lincoln was heard at his home to mutter the ancient curse, "Fuck it."

Last Remaining Employed American Laid Off

2009-01-28T12:57:00.000-08:00

New Delhi, MA. In a devastating blow to local, state and federal economies, the final active member of the American work force has been laid off. Carol Stuttgart, 51, of New Delhi received a pink slip from her employer, Wilson Carruthers, the former owner of Shoe Time at a once popular Massachusetts strip mall. State and local politicians were on hand to see Stuttgart receive her severance packing which included a check for her hours worked that week as well as some coupons for the recently shuttered Food Lion in nearby Atherton. With American unemployment reaching an all-time high of 100%, Stuttgart's chances of finding a new job are bleak. "Alot of people were asking me if Shoe Time was hiring," a stunned Stuttgart said before getting into her 1984 Ford Fiesta en route to her home. "I guess I'll look for work someplace else but I don't think there are any other stores open in the country anymore." Newly elected president and long-time Conan fan Barack Obama commemorated the event with a phone call to Stuttgart which went unanswered as there are no longer any phone operators to handle such calls. While Stuttgart seemed despondent at the recent turn of events, she was last seen driving her Fiesta toward the recently closed Pastime Pool bar while waving her coupons yelling, "Fuck it!"

Lazy-Assed Blogger Writes New Post

2009-01-22T15:13:00.000-08:00

Cedar Rapids, MI. Local blogger and internet celebrity Johnny "Twitter Twit" Mohansen has finally gotten off his ass and written a new post for his blog entitled "Where there's a Wilco, there's a way". The poorly researched and not-Spell-Checked blog came at the end of a 6 week drought for the hungry blogosphere which included Mohansen's tech-savvy brother and long-suffering girlfriend. "If Tweedy & co. proved anything last year," Mohansen stated, "It's the positive power of politics in music. I don't mean that U2 shit though, I'm talking real music. Obama couldn't have done it without us indie rockers and I'm gonna expect some payback!" Mohansen's love of Wilco has been extrapolated in many previous blog postings including "Tweedy", "Jay Stirrat and the Urges of Compulsion" and most recently "What Yankee Hotel Foxtrot means to me." Insiders at the Mohansen camp stated a large number of reasons for the long gap between posts, "Well John got sick, then it was the holidays and he's still laid off and he ran out of weed and now I guess he's back," stated roomate Nick Tzint. The recent post was met with a resounding thud in the online world and that night as Mohansen walked alone on a sandy beach he placed a large sea shell to his ear and could have sworn he heard the words: "Fuck it."

IGGY POP BUYS, WEARS "T-SHIRT"

2008-11-25T09:18:00.000-08:00

Detroit, MI. Musician James Osterberg, better known as "Iggy Pop" has shocked the musical community by purchasing, and eventually wearing, an article of clothing known as a "t-shirt." Pop has gone shirtless since roughly 1968 when he began fronting the seminal punk rock band, the Stooges. Now entering his sixth decade of life, Pop decided it was time for a change, "I got kinda cold, so, y'know," a wary Pop told a cabal of reporters. Iggy, who was frequently spotted wearing just an old pair of jeans and, occasionally, high-top tennis shoes, had to be convinced that this image makeover would behoove a man of his advanced years. Personal trainer and stylist Nock Obdermann explains, "I just told Ig, a t shirt is a cotton tube with an opening at the bottom as well as a short cotton shim for each arm and a small hole for the neck which the head passes through. He was apprehensive at first but I think my going to the Detroit Ross with him really helped him out. Plus he liked the design." The silk screened print features a yellow van with blue bubble letters spelling the word: "Awesome." There was a short adjustment period where Iggy repeated pawed at his previously bare chest and was seen walking backwards in an attempt to escape the shirt. When it was explained that the shirt would eventually have to be removed for cleaning, Iggy tugged limply at the white cotton fabric and muttered, "Fuck it."

President-elect Obama Still Campagning.

2008-11-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

New Bethlehem, WA. An exhausted and visibly confused President-elect Barack Obama continues to campaign for his presidential bid despite the fact that he has won the election by a landslide on Tuesday. "This once-great nation needs to rise again," a fatigued Obama told a massive group of supporters at the campaign's third stop of the day, "We need to rise... and vote... we need to change votes when voters rise." Obama's stilted speech and erratic gestures conveyed an image of a man gone over the brink of exhaustion. "Three years I've been on this campaign trail," he continued, "What does it take to get you people to elect me?" The crowd, composed of the same Obama supporters who voted him into office earlier this week responded with ecstatic whoops, waving the "CHANGE" placards that were utilized when the election was still undecided. A noticeably irritated campaign manager Ari Schaeffer-Lux seemed unable to persuade Obama that the election was over and he had, indeed, won. "It's like talking to an automaton," Schaeffer-Lux admitted, continuing, "Of course the crowds don't help. They're out there cheering because they're celebrating but Barack just doesn't get it." Reeking of determination from three-plus years of campaigning, Obama refuses to concede that the election is over and he has won. John McCain's campaign has been eerily silent on the issue since disbanding four days ago but an Alaskan moose wounded by a shotgun blast from pregnant, Down Syndrome 8 year old Radar Palin raised his head from the melting, blood soaked snow to bellow, "Fuck it."

Lonesome Crow

2008-11-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

While most of the world knows the Scorpions as caged metal midgets rocking hairsprayed 80's women like a hurricane, there was a time when the Scorpions were truly on the musical vanguard. Like most bands, the Scorpions golden age started and ended with their debut album, 1972's Lonesome Crow. This brilliant slab of proto-jazz metal sounds like nothing so much as a German Santana with progressive aspirations. What could have been an unlistenable failure of epic proportions is instead a singular listening experience that has yet to be bettered in it's admittedly limited context.

Formed in Hanover in 1969, the initial Scorps lineup featured Klaus "Mini-Miene" Meine who's vocal chops that would remained utterly unchanged throughout his 30-plus year history with the band. Brothers Rudolph and Michael Schenker play guitars with the kind of sibling telekinesis that rivals the brothers Davies, Van Halen and Gallagher combined. Wolfgang Dziony and Lothar Heimberg, on drums and bass respectively, were lost to the sands of time after this album and one suspects that they were responsible for the jazzy flights of fancy as by the Scorps second LP, 1974's Fly To The Rainbow, Heimberg, Dziony and the space jazz has all been abandoned.

If not the greatest, certainly the most ironic aspect of Lonesome Crow is that it was originally commissioned as a soundtrack to an anti-drug film. The irony being that one would be hard pressed to find a better argument for the use of drugs than Lonesome Crow. Aggressive distorted guitars, jazzy yet driving rhythms, howled lyrics about women gone wrong and/or being stranded in the desert, all that's missing is a Nehru jacketed lothario dispensing psychedelics to naive, flaxen-haired waifs. But it is this campy diversity which is the album's strongest suit: lunar soundscapes, driving metal riffs and groaning incantations only add to the singular charm, best displayed on the track "Leave Me" which channels Black Sabbath's "Electric Funeral" through a Teutonic kaleidoscope. The centerpiece however, is the title track, a 13 minute epic which recalls either Spinal Tap's ill-fated jazz odyssey at the amusement park or Dave Brubeck on alot of acid. Either way, the listener is the winner in the end, having weathered a ride from progressive rock outer space through earthy, grunting jazz, to aquatic noisescapes before finally landing in heavy metal hell. The Scorpions themselves would stay here at the lower rungs of celestial music throughout an absurdly long and equally lucrative career but they would rarely reach such heavy, funky, bewildering plateaus again. Future guitar replacement Uli Jon Roth sat high atop a crystal throne intoning the words, "Fuck it."

80's Infatuated Teenagers Vote George H.W. Bush Back Into Office

2008-10-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

West Dunkirk, AL. Wearing day-glow hoodies, ironic t-shirts depicting Alf and venetian blind-style sunglasses, a small group of teenagers have re-instated the original George Bush back into the White House. "He's totally tubular!" shreiked Lannie Rostrum, who wasn't even born when the 80's happened. Bouyed by the support of Kanye West, Fallout Boy and a large percentage of slackers who havent done anything with their lives since graduating from high school almost 20 years ago, the write-in campign became a viral hit after videos posted on YouTube featured the original George Bush (affectionately referred to as "O.G.B." by his supporters) interspliced with clips from the popular 80's show Growing Pains. "The last George Bush was gay," stated a clearly homosexual Pete Wentz, "The old George Bush was radtastic!" He then kissed his artificially inseminated wife Ashlee Simpson, a product of what Hollywood calls a Lavender Marriage. Neither of the current George Bushes could not be reached for comment but 80's icon Ronald Reagan rose from the grave to say in cryptic, undead tones, "Fuck it."

McCain Endorses Obama

2008-10-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

Fort Lauderdale, MO. In a stunning turn of events, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain endorsed Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama for president during a campaign speech at the Lake Woosley Senior Center today. "He's got the experience, he's got eloquence, he's got a gleam in his eye that feels like he's looking right into your soul," stated McCain to a confused group of retirees. "His broad shoulders can stand the burden of running this country and his firm, yet gentle hands will steer us on the right course." McCain's aides immediately scrambled to spin the story on his behalf. "A vote for Obama is still a vote for McCain!" yelped senior advisor Scott Hurtrout, adding, "We're all in this together!" Obama's campaign has actually rejected the endorsement stating, "This is another example of McCain pandering and flip flopping. He just wants to be on the side that's winning," adding, "And we clearly are because we're already on the cover of all these magazines talking like we're already the President so nyahnny-nyahnny-nyah nyah!" The press agent then stuck his thumb to his nose and waved his fingers in the air. Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joseph Bin Biden was quoted as saying, "What the fuck do I care, I'm just the veep?" While Republican white witch Sarah Palin was too busy burning books and not aborting down-syndrome babies to be reached for comment. Current President (in name only, let's admit it) George Bush posted a strongly worded statement from his Crawford Texas ranch (which he bought after becoming President strictly for photo-ops- really) stating, "Fuck it."

OBAMA SHORTENS MESSAGES OF HOPE AND CHANGE TO "CHOPE"

2008-10-03T09:14:00.000-07:00

Liberty, MA. Democratic presidential candidate and probable Republican stool pigeon Barack Obama has shortened his message of hope and change to a single invented word: "Chope." This is a startling reversal from last week's extension of his campaign message to include "Hope, change, foresight and panache" Obama's reversal was quickly seized by the rival McCain campaign. "This is further proof that Obama is a flip flopper and not a hip hopper," McCain stated,"He needs some Blue-Blockers and some pop-lockin' if he wants to lead this nation of millions." McCain has recently began rapping all his public statements in an effort to make headway in the politically active 18-21 year old African American demographic. Obama remains unflustered: "We need chope! Let's chope for chope! Chope is dope like the pope on a rope, yes yes y'all" Obama told a small group of seniors at a Wisconsin retirement center on Tuesday. The McCain campaign has denied allegations that they will shorten their campaign slogan of "Straight talk" to a simpler "Stalk" but conservative pundits still agree that Republican vice presidential candidate and hockey playing pit-bull supporter Sarah Palin will be wearing a large alarm clock around her neck and shouting "Yeeeeahboyeeeeee!" by the end of the week. Current American president George Bush (the younger one, not the older one) emerged from an Oxycontin stupor just long enough to issue the following strongly worded statement: "Fuck all y'all bitches and ho's."

PALIN ENDORSES ATTACKING GEORGIA, ALABAMA.

2008-09-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

Nome, AK. Republican vice presidential nominee and 3rd level Illuminati stool pigeon Sarah Palin has announced her intention to attack Georgia if Russia continued hostilities, adding that a US invasion of neighboring Alabama is also under consideration. "If those Russians are going to attack Georgia then so will we," stated Palin during a hard-hitting interview session on the View. "They can attack their Georgia and we'll attack ours. Did you know that I can see Russia from my kitchen window, and they look very evil over there," she told a baffled yet sympathetic Barbara Walters. A barely coherent Starr Jones asked if the conflict were to spread, would Palin consider expanding the battle. "Oh yeah," Palin responded, "We'll take on Alabama, South Carolina, Kentucky. My husband is a successionist, you know." Palin then proceeded to help the twittering hosts to bake a cake shaped like a Russian-made AK-47. The entire American registered voting population and most of the international community responded with an online resolution stating, "Fuck it!"

TV CHEF TELLS AUDIENCE, "YOU BAKE THE FUCKING CAKE"

2008-09-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, NY. Exasperated TV host and celebrity chef Dom Prudhomme Fitzlstiff threw his hands in the air and told the in-studio audience, "You think you can make a better cake? Then you bake the fucking thing!" After botching the measurements for a flourless raspberry chocolate torte, Fitzlstiff accidentally added two gallons of milk to the recipe where only 2 cups were called for. Brandishing a whisking brush and tottering on unstable legs, Fitzlstiff set about berating his shows producer during Wednesday's live broadcast of "Mmmm! That's Good!", his popular cooking show. "When I say I want organic cashews, I mean organic! I can taste the pesticide." At which point his voice trailed off, "Taste the pesticide...." After an awkward five minute break where Fitzlstiff stood on his hands and knees watching the horribly mis-shapen cake in the oven, he pronounced it done. The cake had two long prehensile eyes and crab-like legs and as the live audience ran screaming for the doors, it was heard to proclaim, "Fuck it."

McCLAIN ANNOUNCES PRESIDENTIAL BID

2008-09-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

New York, NY. Off-duty cop John McClain announced his presidential bid today with a cel phone call while hidden inside a building under siege from German terrorists. McClain, who has saved similar buildings from being destroyed while rescuing bank savings, his wife and the infrastructure of the United States placed the call to his friend Clarence, a fellow off-duty police officer with whom he began an unlikely friendship approximately three movies ago. "I'm serious, this country has some problems," a wounded McClain stated while huddled under a flight of stairs as rival Hans Gruber strafed the room with AK-47 gunfire. When Clarence, safely ensconced in his patrol car outside the facility, suggested McClain run for president, a beleaguered McClain replied, "Y'know, pal, that's a damn good idea. I'm gonna do it," before throwing an improvised grenade in the direction of Gruber. Potential vice-president pick Shia LaBouf's publicist responded to rumors of his candidacy with a prepared statement reading, "Fuck it."

ECONOMY FORCES E STREET BAND TO RELOCATE

2008-09-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

Asbury Park, NJ. Foreclosures, spiraling debt and high gas prices have impacted one of the largest rock groups in the country. Citing rising rents and poor community relations, Bruce Springsteen's backing band, the E Street Band, has been forced to move. "What a bitch," stated guitarist Little Stevie Van Zandt as he carried a box of cooking utensils out of the group's home of 30 years. "We're looking into a new place, maybe over on Henderson Street, or Clarence (Clemens) thought he saw a place for rent out on Dunlow," stated drummer Max Weinberg. "It's a pisser though because we were finally starting to feel at home here," he continued. Rhythm guitarist Nils Lofgren was slightly more optimistic, "There's a couple of nice places on Galena Street, or if that doesn't work out I know a guy who's couch we can crash on over at Admiral and Nostler." Saxophone giant Clemens was decidedly less enthusiastic, "I got all this shit," he stated, motioning to a box of nick-nacks from his three decades of world travel, "where the fuck we gonna put that?" In the meantime, Springsteen with the newly christened Percival Way Condominium Street Band will begin a short tour of Canada and Nova Scotia in support of their latest album titled, "Fuck it."

Local Stoner Demands Something.

2008-09-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

New Bethesda, Washington. Unemployed local wastrel Burt Crackleton recently made demands upon his beleagured roomate, Hutch Stichins. "At first I thought he just wanted me to pick him up a soda or something," stated Stichins who was en route to the local Plaid Pantry when he saw Crackleton gesticulate wildly in his direction. "Dude, no, dude, please," Crackleton was heard to say, while pointing with both hands toward the door. Crackleton had recently injested marijuana vapors for his fourth time that day, as he has daily since being laid off from the local Donut Hole last summer. "So I start like, what?" Stichins reported, "and he's like, 'No, dude, just do it- please.' When I asked him what he wanted he just started laughing and saying, 'No dude, you know what I want- you KNOW!" The impasse was ended when Stitchins left via the front door as a clearly upset Crackleton berated him with calls of, "Dude! Dude!" Local Plaid Pantry manager Hasim Qborak summed up the argument with a proverb in his native Khzyhkstani language which translates roughly to, "Fuck it."

Congress outaws Spell-CHeck.

2008-09-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

In a swift and unprecedented move, Senoir Congressman Bill Lompoc has passed a bill which would outlwas the use of the popular Spell-Check program for home computer usrs. "It is a step toward transparencie sin the media and particularly for the online communitie," Lompoc stated in a preaprred statemunt. :One needs to know what a person wrote- not what a computer can polish and shine for him," Lompoc stated, "Too ofteun we've relied on laziness ond technologikul crutches for man to express himselfs, weel, no more!" The bill waas swiftlie passed throught a unitefed Congreeess today and isxpected to be ratifies by the Presidentu latur this weke. Bloggurs, authors and computers useres acroesiis the counstiry responneded wiht aout rage, issueing a jionst statement on the pupopular Techsoptos= website which read" Fucik it."

POLYPHONIC SPREE SPLITS INTO 37 SOLO PROJECTS

2008-09-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

Cult-like sun-worshipping Disney rejects the Polyphonic Spree announced their disbanding today citing musical differences, personal differences, monetary issues, family leave, substance abuse and alcohol abuse issues for the split. The group who made a big splash in 2003 with their swirling white robes and childlike songs of love and solar power were perhaps best known as the largest indie rock undertaking in history. All 37 original members have started solo projects. First violinist Claire McCartneywood will now front Mystical Tetrahedron, a free-folk ensemble with members of ESPers. Oboeist Stan Klinkton has already issued a solo ep of abrasive noise under the Crank Cranium banner while bassist Teve Samson will follow his jam-band urges with Holy Roller Granola. Lead guitarist Guy Pfiston will follow with a reggae-infused calypso group Da Monitas and rhythm guitarist Kurt Linksmith is in the studio with alt-metal supergroup Kweezy. Polyphonic Spree frontman Tim DeLauer will continue as a solo performer with the Monophonic Spree, his debut album on Hollywood Records will be called, "Fuck it."

OBAMA URGES INDIE ROCKERS TO STOP SUPPORTING HIM

2008-09-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

Mulatto presidential hopeful and potential Muslim terrorist Barack Obama issued a strongly worded plea to the nations indie rockers demanding that they stop supporting his faltering campaign. "Do I really need the support of that freak from Deerhunter in order to guide this country? Lord I hope not." A scruffy, twenty-something press secretary in black skinny jeans and Israeli prayer scarf delivered the missal to the shocked editors of indie mainstay Mono-candy.com earlier today. "I'm trying to reach out to the common man," the statement read, "not these cheap-beer swilling, alt-porn navel gazers from Williamsburg- I mean, fuck- they keep trying to get me to add their band on Myspace and I'm trying to shatter racial stereotypes and still sneak in a tax cut for us billionaires," Obama stated. Democratic attack dog and classic rock enthusiast Joseph Biden concurred with a strongly worded statement of his own: "In all my time in politics, I've never heard such banal braying as what passes for lyrics these days. It used to be you could turn on the radio and hear some Nuge and drink a beer and grab some waitresses ass. These days you can't even turn on the TV without fucking Adele dancing around in a tube top."

Win Butler, the pasty-faced leader of the Arcade Fire and expert on American politics while having the audacity to be Canadian responded to the attacks by quietly crying, followed by gently strumming his acoustic guitar and was seen seruptitiously writing down potential lyrics. The strongest backlash to Obama's statement came from Ivy League troubadour Sufjan Stevens who quickly wrote and recorded four albums worth of pro-McCain songs, inadvertently causing a bump in Obama's popularity. Virtual indie mouthpiece Pitchforkmedia editors issued a similarly damning counter attack by lambasting Obama as a "hippie- but not like Devendra" and called bullshit on Biden because, "everyone knows the iPod commercial with the lady in the tube top is Feist, not Adele." Black militant and funky fresh soul mama Michelle Obama issued a strongly worded counter-opinion stating, "Fuck it."

Palin Delivers Satan Baby On RNC Podium

2008-09-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

Disturbed liberal pundits and right wing conservatives shared a rare moment of togetherness tonight as fledgeling politician and obvious Illuminati stool-pigeon Sara Palin doubled over in pain during her Vice Presidential acceptance speech and delivered the evil seed of the Dark Lord Himself from the podium of the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis tonight.

Palin was midway through her seemingly contradictory defense of the death penalty while damning abortion when she suddenly dropped to her knees and began speaking in tongues. "A child must be born before the government can execute it," she told the rapturous crowd of 5,000 supporters in her largest political speech to date; at which point her eyes rolled back into her head and she began intoning a dark incantation: "Cursed angel of light- I deliver unto thee a spawn that may sit beside thee on your oaken throne forevermore" while beams of dark matter shot forth from her eye sockets.

The succubus emerged from beyond the hem of her red Vera Wang power suit with eyes of fire and a flickering tongue of flame. Republican party liason with God, Billy Graham looked on unpreturbed by the events unfolding. "All part of the master plan" he was heard mumbling under his breath. As the writhing, blood red demon of the Netherworld began unfolding it's leathery wings, Republican Party members were equally divided among those cheering the blood soaked Palin and those screaming for the exits. "I, spawn of Lucifer claim this Xcel Energy Center of Minneapolis- Saint Paul as castle and keep of my dark lord for his eternal reign upon this cursed plane!" the fire-breathing succubus was heard uttering as loyal Republican supporters switched their placards from the standard red and blue "McCain/Palin" signs to charred metal signs reading "Lucifer/Cheney 2008- Together we can!" Current Vice President and 43rd level Illuminati Grand Wizard Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment but his press secretary issued a statement from his brimstone bunker high in the Swiss Alps which read a succinct, "Fuck it. "